She Does Him Good: Help Him Rest

An interview with Jill Prater

God has called our husbands to pastor God's people. Their love for God and their love for God's people will sometimes lead them to forego a genuine need for rest. Here, as helpers, we have the opportunity to "do them good" by helping them unplug and presenting opportunities for refreshment.

Jill is married to Mark, who serves as the executive pastor in Covenant Fellowship in Philadelphia and he also works with Sovereign Grace Ministries church planting group. Jill's husband loves God and loves to work for God and is prone to neglect rest. Here Jill shares what she has learned from God in helping her husband.

Remember your Role

Q: Understanding you are your husband's helper, how have you applied this to wisely caring for him in the area of rest? How do you avoid overstepping the role God has given you?

Jill: First off, we’ve been at this for 31 years and I’m still learning how to balance this. But, with that said, I’m most helped when I remember that I’m his helper. I’m not his boss, so I don’t dictate to him what he’s going to do. I’m not his mother, so I’m not responsible to be sure he eats his peas and carrots and gets to bed on time.

I’m his helper, his wife, so I can help him see that he’s not getting the rest he needs. I can study him and recognize patterns, bringing those observations to him in a gracious, helpful, appropriate way. I can help him to put vacations on the calendar well in advance. I can connect with him during the work day through a loving text, email, or a phone conversation, even in his busyness. I used to think that was a bother to him, but he actually appreciates it. Ask your man, though, because he may not. I do can gently remind him when it’s been a while since our last getaway. Getaways can feel awkward to very busy men…but Mark is always thankful for time away.

As I remember my role, I remember that it doesn’t all hinge on me…I’m not responsible for his rest. I don’t even have to be involved in whatever restful activity he engages. It must be God working through me…and God working in him. Then, my role in doing him good is not set by me, but by God…and He will be faithful to work through my faithfulness.

Know Your Man

Q: Is there any specific advice you can give to pastor’s wives to help them help their husbands rest?

Jill: Well, the very short answer is sex.

Q: Excellent help. Um…do you have anything else?

Jill: Yeah. As wives, we need to study our husbands well. Some men need more rest than others. Some are receptive to rest…and were before they became pastors. Others are not as receptive to customary forms of rest…and weren’t before they became pastors. It’s not a one-size-fits-all-cookie-cutter fit. As we study our men, we must rely on the Holy Spirit to reveal insights to us.

Q: Is there anything specific you can give, though?

Jill: Sure…start with asking him! Ask him what would bless him and bring him rest. This can protect you from making him rest the way you rest or the way you think he ought to rest. For Mark, letting him check email allows him to rest sometimes. It’s easy for me to forget we even own a computer. For him, just knowing what’s in his inbox can help. I wouldn’t have come up with that on my own. Sometimes he doesn’t know what would bless him…but sometimes he does. We can also listen to our husbands and pick up clues in their daily conversations with us or others. If I know he has had a particularly busy week I may beg, borrow, or steal a son from one of my friends to cut the grass. Or when I overheard him say he would love kayaking, I immediately started saving my pennies. Just before I pulled the trigger on my big surprise he informed me he would never want to do anything we could not do together. I was purchasing a single man vessel. Mission – incomplete. I am still listening though.

Be Available

Q: Was there a turning point in your marriage when God gave you clarity for helping Mark rest?

Jill: A long while ago…a light bulb went off in my head on how to serve Mark in this area of rest. Sometimes, it still shines bright…sometimes, it’s really dim. When I’m available to him and thinking of him and considering his interests above my own, I find he actually can rest better. I’m more able to serve him and God gives much greater wisdom into how to help him rest. And, you know what, that light bulb helps many other areas of our marriage, too. It really comes down to releasing my own desires, repenting of selfishness and praying for the Holy Spirit to work in greater ways in my life every day. A soul that’s refreshed by the Father who created rest is positioned to refresh the souls of those He came to save.

She Does Him Good: Serve Him

By Kimm Harvey

Before we get into things too far, I want to share a story with you that I recently came across. Julia Dent Grant is one of my new historical friends. She was married to our 18^th President, Ulysses S. Grant. What a privilege! When you read about their marriage, you find that she loved her husband and was deeply adored by her husband. She was cherished by her children and she ran a warm and welcoming home. She was also ready on a whim for any chance to travel with her husband.

So far, we’re probably all on board … loved my husband? Check. Adored in return? Check Have a home and children we love? Check. Any chance to travel with our hubby? Double-Check!

But read on.

According to President Grant, his dear Julia had one tragic flaw. According the history books, Julia loved her husband but remained detached and disinterested in his vocation. Whatever men did was messy, complicated and of no concern to her. Her husband’s world made no claim upon her. President Grant once said that he knew his wife well and accepted that she cared for little else (I think ‘ouch’ is the operative word!).

So, what should serving our husbands look like?

Have you ever noticed that Eve was delivered to Adam right where he worked? I’m no theologian, but the fact that he was hard at work naming the animals right before Eve arrived seems to indicate that being a helpmate extends to his work. That means his field becomes her interest. There is a melding of vision and burden – Adam bears it but Eve supports it.

Back to First Lady Julia. Once during a party, she openly confessed that she had no idea what the Constitution said and why the succession of the south was unconstitutional. She couldn’t understand why on earth all of this Constitution business must take up so much time from otherwise perfectly pleasant conversation. This is the SAME Constitution her husband was risking his life for at that very moment. She was checked out from her husband’s life.

Early on in my relationship with Dave, I knew that we could do life one of two ways: we could live parallel lives or we could live together. I am not talking separate check books. I am referring to a subtle encroachment in our lives of distractions, indulgences, personal preferences and comforts, lack of desire or fear, everyday things that tempt us “off message”. These can prevent us from embracing and owning our husband's call, vision and burdens. Regardless what it is in our lives - it results in us not meeting our man in the field. Ultimately, in each woman’s life someone’s agenda and calling becomes the priority – it was either his or mine. And only one of us was called to be a helpmate. That meant his ministry needed to become my interest. His life became my life.

It wasn’t always easy. When Dave was a singles pastor, he said, “If you could please help with serving the single women that would be a tremendous help to me.” Truthfully, I was thinking, “why don’t you just ask me to replace CJ…anything but that!” Why? It was intimidating for me. I had no idea what I was doing. Frankly, I was scared. But, I needed to own my husbands calling and allow that to influence the contours of my service. Serving the singles ladies was what the church needed and what my husband wanted. Wow, was I blessed! Single women are a treasure to every pastor’s wife.

As with every family, pastors and pastors wives need to get to the same place at the same time. If my husband is called to lead a church, great, let’s do it! What do I need to be doing to make sure that responsibilities are maintained with the goal in mind? That’s the question I (and we!) need to constantly be asking in whatever pastoral capacity our husband is called to serve.

Let's make every effort to own our husband's calling. When we own his vision, we will serve him with our hearts and our lives.

She Does Him Good: Help Him When He is Criticized or Corrected

Hey, where did all the fun stuff go? This sounds serious and difficult! We know, we have been there. Criticism and correction are words that can strike fear and anxiety in even mature believers. Yet this doesn't have to be the case. These special seasons from God are intended to be a channel of His gracious love and produce fruit in our lives to the glory of His name. We know this from God's Word as Hebrews 12: 5-6 clearly states: "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, not be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives." Often God's reproving and discipline come in the form of correction and criticism. We have the privilege of helping our husband hear and see the love, grace and purpose of God in these seasons and to extract all he can from them for his good and God's glory.

CJ and Carolyn Mahaney have faced this in their marriage and offer helpful insights in this interview they conducted to a group of pastor's college students and wives. Please take a few moments to read and benefit from the grace and wisdom they share, thus being better equipped to help your husband during these seasons.

She Does Him Good: Stay Close to Him

by Janis Shank

Genesis 2:18 “It is not good for man to be alone...”

I am not sure singer Jack Johnson had this verse in mind when he composed...“It’s always better when we’re together...”, a catchy tune that has a way of replaying in one’s mind long after the song is over. But he is right (check it out if you’ve never heard the song Better Together, it's cute)

It was God who composed the first “better together”. Here is the sequence. Man is created and declared “very good”. Man is alone and it is declared “not good”. God then creates another being, a helper, from his rib to be like him, as the solution for the “not good”. Thus began togetherness, companionship and oneness between man and woman as God’s design for marriage. As my husband’s helper, how can I cultivate this “good”? These thoughts are far from an exhaustive survey of this verse and the purpose of marriage, but are only intended to encourage and inspire your own thinking. I offer two helpful reminders.

Hold him close in heart attitudes and thoughts. Review over and over our love, admiration, esteem, respect and the honor it is to be his wife. I find cultivating this togetherness in thought makes me long for his company, whether in the busyness of life or sharing a quiet moment. This often leads to intoxication (see last week) and this makes my husband happy! I also find this a helpful antidote to critical thoughts, which can be a temptation and an enemy of togetherness. Following the wisdom in Philippians 4:8; “whatever is honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, worthy of praise...think about these things”, results in togetherness!

Move toward him, joining and supporting him each day. This can be as simple as asking how his sermon preparation is coming along, or how he has experienced the Lord on a given day. It my mean reviewing his preferences or discovering how the demands of family and ministry are affecting him. Finding a way to practically serve him may be needed. Encouragement, a topic worth its own post, is always a way to support him. Find all the ways you can to put those “together thoughts” you are thinking into action! Being at his side through all the seasons of life, and finding it to be the best place to be, is a source of true companionship and honoring to God in the calling for which we were created!

If alone is “not good” and “together is better”, let’s look for as many ways as we can to cultivate this simple good!

She Does Him Good: Intoxicate Him

By Janis Shank

Now that I’ve got your attention, let me explain. In light of Valentine's Day and the season of celebrating love, we thought we would take a few weeks to focus on loving our husbands in some key areas. Nicole Whitacre did a great job last week setting the stage for this series by reminding us from Proverbs 31 “she...does...him...good”. I found these reminders excellent and convicting! This week we are going talk about “doing him good” through the pursuit of romance (just in time for Valentine’s Day)! We know you are pastor’s wives and are well taught in these areas, but who doesn’t need reminders and refreshment along the way? I know I do!

“Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely dear, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always with her love.” (Proverbs 5: 18-19)

I am always amazed at God’s beautiful description of marital intimacy in this passage. Better than Shakespeare, don’t you think? On a recent personal retreat I set aside time to examine this and to ask myself: “how can I grow in being this source of delight to my husband?” God was kind to me and I came away with specific things to apply.

Before we go any further let me address a common temptation. This is meant to be encouraging, not condemning! Perhaps you are a busy mom with a newborn and your body and emotions are in flux, or you have multiple little ones, or you are dealing with hormone changes on the other end of the life cycle. Or, if you are like me, you have been through a difficult season, you know, the “trials of many kinds” season, and romance hasn’t been at the top of your list. Wherever you find yourself as you read this post, promise me you won’t be condemned. Let’s view this area through the lens of glorifying God, after all, these are His Words and His idea and He is our source of grace and strength (and creativity)! Here are a few thoughts I have recently been reminded of and convicted by from this passage:

I am the wife of his youth. I am the specific one God has given to my husband. That means God intends me to be this source of blessing, rejoicing and “good”! I am freshly inspired by the privilege and responsibility. As God gives good gifts for His desired ends, I want to make sure I am embracing this calling to sexually delight my husband. It is God’s will that this be exclusively my joy throughout our days together. Considering the reputation of the gospel, the reality of indwelling sin, and the overtly sensual culture in which we live, I take this very seriously.

I am to fill him with delight and intoxicate him with my love. These words illustrate that I am to be fully engaged and participating in this joyful love. I especially love how the ESV study Bible footnote gives this more meaning, (Regarding “be intoxicated,” Hebrew “be led astray”-in the sense of being “swept away” with delight in one’s wife”) I love this, I am to “sweep him away” with my love” How fun! This also serves as a protection for him from being led away by the forbidden woman that Proverbs so often warns about. I want to be regularly “sweeping him away” with my love! Acting on this idea, I recently took the time to plan one date night for each month of this year and let my husband know that he will be periodically “swept off his feet”! The smile on his face was priceless!

I am to intoxicate my husband “at all times” and “always”. Whoa, slow down a bit! What about the kids...and the house...my health...and the sermon he needs to preach on Sunday...! All this means is that I want to have an “open” sign hanging over all my interactions with my husband. Sharron, a dear friend of mine, described having a “Yes, lets!” attitude of heart. I want my husband to know “I am all yours” everyday, that I am a willing and available participant in intoxicating love. Not everyday holds this celebration, but I want my heart to be there nonetheless. I know this is a process for some of us, especially given the changing seasons of our lives, yet we can cultivate this eager heart right where we are. Good news...this is fun! Try it, you’ll like it!

Won’t you join me this week in asking: “how can I grow in being a source of delight to my husband?”

Beware, you may find yourself intoxicated!

She Does Him Good

by Nicole Whitacre

“She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:12).

Here at the pastors’ wives blog, we want to spend a few weeks considering how to do our husbands good. I’ve been asked me to kick things off with an overview—which will be review for many. But some of the wisest pastors’ wives in Sovereign Grace will follow with tried and true advice. I can’t wait to hear from them!

This verse may be one of the most often overlooked of the well-studied Proverbs 31 passage. As pastors’ wives we’re so busy rising early to provide food and clothing for our family, extending our hand to the poor and needy in our church, trying to speak with wisdom and kindness, that “doing our husband good” may unintentionally fall to the back of the line. We need regular reminders to make this task one of our highest priorities.

So let’s take a closer look at this verse, beginning with the first part, one word at a time.

“SHE does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Prov. 31:12

Who is to bring my husband good? None other than me. I have been created, fashioned, designed to bring my husband—with all his strengths, flaws, talents and weaknesses—good.

“It is not good” said the Lord in Genesis 2:18 “that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (emphasis mine).

A helper “is one who supplies strength in the area that is lacking in the helped,” she is “fit for him” or as the ESV Study Bible puts it: “matching him.”

Each of us, no less than Eve, is made to match our husband.

We were created to supply strength in the precise areas of weakness, to bring happiness that counterbalances his sorrows, to help him carry his appointed burdens in life and ministry, and to complement his gifts in every way. We are, indeed, his perfect match.

Shakespeare echoes the sentiment of our Creator: “He is half part of a blessed man, left to be finished by such a she.”

Even though your husband might get wise counsel or critique from the other men on the pastoral team, receive encouragement from the congregation, have a capable administrative assistant, a supportive family, and godly friends who spur him on--he is still half part of a blessed man. You alone “fit him.” You alone have the unique ability to do him good.

“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband” says Charles Bridges: “she is his crown; his brightest ornament, drawing the eyes of all upon him, as eminently honored and blessed.”

But we don’t always feel like bright ornaments, do we? As pastors’ wives we are married to gifted men, who interact all day with other gifted pastors and spend hours studying God’s Word (in original Greek and Hebrew). We, on the other hand, interact all day with toddlers (or teenagers acting like toddlers!) and spend hours reading Cat in the Hat and Goodnight Moon (in original English).

It can be easy to think we have little to offer them in the way of wisdom, insight, counsel, or encouragement. We may assume they know more about God’s Word than we do or that the other guys on the team are better equipped to counsel them. We might even compare ourselves to other pastors’ wives and conclude we would be a better helper if only we were more like_____________.

This truth: that we alone have a unique ability to do him good should encourage us to fulfill our role in faith. We’ve been created to be a helper fit for him, so doing him good should receive our greatest attention and efforts. Charles Bridges describes the wife who takes this responsibility seriously:

“Her husband’s comfort is her interest and her rest. To live for him is her highest happiness. This course of disinterested regard and devoted affection, when conducted on Christian principles, commends most graciously the ‘holy and honorable estate of matrimony.”…No greater glory could be desired, than that which is given to it, that it should illustrate ‘the great mystery,’—‘Christ and his Church,” the identity of interest between the; her trials his; his cause hers.”

Doing our husbands good is of great importance because it mirrors one half of that “identity of interest between Christ and the church.” We are to do our husbands good: not only for their sakes or to get something from them in return, but because we love our Savior. This responsibility is an honor because it is ultimately for Christ. And we can have confidence that God Himself will bless us as we seek to do our husbands good.

Our Savior is the one, after all, who transforms our motives from “I do me good” to “I do him good.” If it weren’t for God’s grace at work in our hearts, the only “good” we would do our husbands wouldn’t be good at all, but rather manipulation dressed up as goodness. He’s the one who gives us the desire and he will help us persevere in doing our husbands good.

“She DOES him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:12)

The Proverbs 31 woman is a woman of action. She isn’t simply a well-wisher of her husband’s happiness; she’s a doer of good to him. She brings him good, it says in the NIV. She delivers and supplies good to him. She does it.

It doesn’t say whether or not she feels like doing her husband good. In fact, feelings don’t enter into the matter. Not that feelings are irrelevant--if we lack desire to do our husband good, this needs to be investigated. Maybe bitterness has corroded our desire, laziness has dampened it, or busyness and selfishness have stifled it. If so, we must repent from sin and ask God to revive in our hearts a desire to do good to our husband.

But we must not wait for some lovey-dovey feeling or just the right time to do him good. Instead, as a step of repentance, we must act for our husband's good. This not only proves our desire for his happiness, but will fuel it as well.

“The…conclusive evidence of our wishing or willing to do good to another” wrote Jonathan Edwards, “is, to do it.” He goes on: “In every case nothing can be plainer, than that the proper and conclusive evidence of the will, is the act…for whatever we truly desire, we do thus seek.”

If we truly desire our husband's good, we’ll make specific efforts toward his happiness. We will not simply love him in word or tongue, “but in deed and truth” (1 John 3:18-19).

Maybe, like me, you are full of good intentions and resolutions but often come up empty on action. That’s when a plan can be helpful. Take a few minutes to think about your husband and ask yourself: “What is one way I can do him good and how can I make it happen?”

“She does HIM good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31:12

The object of this wife’s active do-gooding is her husband.

Obviously the Proverbs 31 woman does good to many people—her children, her servants, the poor and needy, the business community. But it seems clear from verse 12—and many other places in Scripture—that the primary priority of the virtuous woman is to do her husband good. He is to be the number one recipient of her efforts and energy.

As pastor’s wives it is so easy to get busy trying to do a lot of good for a lot of people—our children, the church, even the community. But if we don’t make doing good to our husband our highest priority, or if doing good to others hinders or significantly limits the good we can do our husband, we are not an authentic replica of the Proverbs 31 woman.

This truth helps simplify my priorities as a pastor’s wife. When I put my husband as the first priority (after my relationship with God, of course) it helps me determine what else is important and what is not.

Sad to say, I don’t always do this. Sometimes I am quick to meet my kid’s needs or to agree to serve someone in the church without considering whether or not it would serve my husband. But truth is, doing my husband good is actually one of the best ways to serve my children and my church!

Charles Spurgeon describes the excellent wife: “She asks not how her behavior may please a stranger, or how another’s judgment may approve her conduct; let her beloved be content and she is glad.”

Oh this is a good reminder for us as pastor’s wives! How often are we tempted to ask how another’s judgment may approve our conduct? We need God’s help to consistently make our husband’s good our first priority—no matter what others think.

“She does him GOOD, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31:12

We’ll spend the next few weeks considering ways that we can do our husbands good. In the meantime, why not ask your husband?

Team Ministry: Confessions of a Reluctant Pastor's Wife

[If you’ve been with us for the past few weeks, you’ll know we’ve been discussing team building among pastors’ wives. We’ve heard from ladies in a large church, from a woman in a small younger church, and today we’ll be hearing from Mary Walsh, a pastor’s wife who wasn’t too keen on the idea of being one in the first place! God’s grace and Mary’s humility compose a story with a happy ending, so read on. Most of us will be able to find ourselves somewhere in her experiences. Thanks for sharing, Mary!].

Confessions of a Reluctant Pastor’s Wife

by Mary Walsh

God must have a sense of humor, because I never wanted to be a pastor’s wife, let alone lead other pastors’ wives. I did not marry a pastor. Why in the world did God call my husband to be one?! I cannot be a pastor’s wife! [insert audible gasp for air here!]

Let’s back up. In 1983, my husband and I connected with Sovereign Grace Ministries (known then as PDI). For the first time we heard teaching on the centrality of the church, serving, biblical roles of men and women, and parenting, and our lives began to greatly change. I saw, and personally benefited from Tony’s growth in servant leadership in our home and in the church. I came to love my role as a wife and mother and was happy where I was. I wasn’t prepared for Tony’s announcement that he felt called to ministry!

My perception of “good pastor’s wife” responsibilities intimidated me. I loved hospitality, decorating, and organizing events, and I didn’t even mind participating with Tony in some counseling situations. The idea of full-time ministry, however, seemed to bring out some of my worst fears, like being transparent with others, teaching publicly, or being responsible for other women. I didn’t feel I was capable or doctrinally strong enough to offer any kind of wisdom to others. I was totally locked in fear and pride. I did not want to look stupid in front of other women, especially other pastors’ wives. I was always comparing myself to them and falling short. I definitely did not have a vision for team building or what might be gained from a future friendship with these women.

In 1990 my greatest fears developed in real life! Tony went into full time ministry serving his brother Dan. I gladly served his wife, Cindy (with conditions, of course), helping out where needed. Even though this woman was my dear friend and sister-in-law, I still feared opening up to her. I did not have a clear conviction regarding true biblical fellowship at this point. In fact, I remember one time when Cindy and I were chatting on the phone. It must have seemed like I was opening the door for deeper fellowship, so Cindy graciously began sharing an observation she had, but she barely got her little hands on the window ledge when I slammed the window shut on her fingers. Window of observation shut! Poor Cindy. She’s glad to still have her fingers! And I am happy to say we are still dear friends! Whew!

Tony encouraged me that my primary role was as a wife and mother, but he also encouraged me to be a Titus 2 woman and to engage and share with the other women. Visiting with them was the easy part; as long as I didn’t have to do anything that made me feel uncomfortable.

In 1995, the Lord called us to El Paso, Texas, where Tony was going to be senior pastor. Here we go! Tony had the responsibility to build and care for a pastoral team, and I was expected to lead the wives. I was confidant God had gifted Tony to do this and was calling our family to El Paso. “No worries,” I told myself, “My duty is to be the best wife and mother I can be. It is Tony and the other elders’ job to lead the church.” My favorite motto was, “Get the men leading, and the women will follow”.

I served Tony by hosting dinners for the care group leaders and pastoral team. I loved having them in our home. We had at least one ladies event each year, but believe me, I did everything I could to avoid being the one doing the teaching. I enjoyed hanging out with the pastoral team wives, but our relationships were more superficial, and I avoided conflict or confrontation. I didn’t want to be spiritually responsible for our relationships, and I remained fearful of having my own sins exposed and weaknesses revealed.

Over the next few years, through conferences, study books, articles, and examples, our pastoral team began to grow in its understanding of the gospel, grace, the doctrine of sin, and—you guessed it—biblical fellowship. As a result of these teachings, we began to meet more often and experience a deeper level of fellowship. With Tony’s leadership and everyone’s encouragement, I started being more intentional with the ladies. Slowly, God helped me open that window with the other pastors’ wives and not catch any of the ladies’ fingers. However, after all that I had learned, there remained a subtle but lingering concern about my weaknesses and lack of gifting.

Surrender of a Pastor’s Wife

In 2001, we moved to Vancouver, British Columbia (that’s in Canada!) where Tony was to serve as senior pastor and assist Steve Shank in the developing North West Region.

In our first few years, I continually ran up against the same besetting sins. This often resulted in my lack of initiating with other women or being transparent. Again, I avoided speaking publically to the ladies at church. Deep down, I so wanted to get to the root of the sin in my heart and serve the ladies in Vancouver more effectively.

My sister in law, Mary Beth, recommended the book, Surrender, by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. God used this book to bring about a major breakthrough in my life. In her introduction (pg. 22), Nancy writes,

“It may be that even at this moment you are living in a chapter called “unsurrendered.” Oh, that may not describe your whole way of life—you can probably point to specific areas where you are obeying God. But could it be that there are some issues on which you are reserving the right to control your own life?”

Well, those words really jumped out from the page! God used her book to help me see my desire to control my life much more clearly.

I knew without a doubt that God had called my husband to ministry; therefore, God must have known what he was doing when I became Tony’s wife. I decided to surrender ALL of me to God, even what I feared the most. I had to accept that my weaknesses as well as my strengths were from Him. I surrendered to him my pride and fear of public speaking, and determined to become more transparent with the ladies God had placed in my life. As I started taking ownership of my role, our meetings became more consistent, we openly shared our personal struggles, and our relationships grew deeper. Praise God, there were wide-open windows! The other pastors’ wives, Cherry Sczebel and Julie Rawlings, said after this point there was an obvious change in my actions and spirit. What amazing grace!

Growing in Humility, Fellowship, and Serving as a Pastor’s Wife

After finishing the book, Surrender, I knew it was time to face my fears. I made a commitment to say, “Yes” to anything that God or Tony asked of me. I went to the Philippines with Tony and another couple; and not only was I speaking in public, but speaking with a translator! That same year, I had several other opportunities to speak to women of Sovereign Grace churches in the Pacific Northwest region. It’s not that public speaking got easier, but I’m no longer afraid. I just keep telling myself, I’m having coffee with the girls. My new motto is like Nike: Just Do It. It’s not about me, my fears, my pride; it’s about God’s glory.

I have a long way to go, but God has helped me to see my need for biblical fellowship and serving the pastoral team wives. God hasn’t gifted me or called me to serve alone. These last few years have been rich in friendship and filled with the joy of serving God with those I love dearly. I can’t say that I now love public speaking, but by God’s grace I can honestly say that I desire to grow in humility, genuine biblical fellowship, and in service to the church. I’m not the most gifted teacher, but if sharing from my life will help other women in the church grow in Christ, and grow in loving and being oriented to their husbands, children, and home, then I’m willing.

As pastoral team wives, we meet at least once or twice a month for fellowship and prayer. We’ve gone through books and articles, listened to teachings from other pastors and wives, asked each other hard questions and laughed, a lot. Now there is nothing but open windows! We love doing fun things together like going out for lunch, having tea, or walking in a quaint area called Fort Langley. The pastoral team also meets as couples once a month for dinner and fellowship. We’ve grown in being able to share our struggles, encourage one another, and even work through misunderstanding and conflict. I’m so thankful that God did not let my fear and pride prevent these wonderful experiences! I feel truly grateful for the friendships, and commitment we have to one another. We are all in different seasons of life and have different personalities, giftings, strengths, and weaknesses, but it’s a joy to serve God’s people together.