by Julie Purswell
Has this ever happened to you?
Someone does not return a phone call, or perhaps an email, in what you consider a timely manner. The wheels of your mind begin to turn: “If someone else had called or written—someone she considers important—she would have responded immediately. She obviously doesn’t consider me important . . . she doesn’t consider my stuff a priority . . . she doesn’t consider me a friend” Or perhaps you go down another path: “Something’s wrong . . . she must be mad at me! I wonder if …”—and your mind creates various scenarios that validate your suspicions.
OR,
Your husband gives you a compliment. His words are full of affection and admiration. And so you think, “He doesn’t really mean it. He must want something. He probably just wants to make love.”
OR,
You hear yelling/screaming/crying from the area where your children are playing. You begin to stew at your oldest child: “He’s grabbed his brother’s toy again, that bully! He always teases his brother!” And you proceed to run to the room yelling at the “culprit” before asking any questions.
OR,
Your husband arrives home from work late—again. Your assumptions kick in: “He’s always late; probably doing email again, or sitting around talking. Why doesn’t he think about me, and how his lateness is affecting my schedule or our family?”
Well, I hope you get the idea. Each of these scenarios depict ground we can so often tread: the path of sinful judgment. Unfortunately, all of these examples are taken from my own life, and I’m guessing you could probably come up with a few examples yourself. Over the next few blog posts, I’ve been asked to share with you some of my journey in seeking to put to death the sin of uncharitable (sinful) judgment. Though I don’t assume you are as familiar with this sin as I am, unfortunately as pastors’ wives you will be the recipient of someone else’s sinful judgment along the way. I pray these posts will help you to glorify God when those occasions arise and help you to guard your own heart from this insidious sin.
Of course, the first step to seeing any sin weakened and mortified in our lives is to recognize it for what it is. So what is sinful judgment?
In his excellent book, Charity and Its Fruits, Jonathan Edwards defines sinful (uncharitable) judgment as “a disposition to think evil of others, or to judge evil of them, with respect to three things: their state, their qualities, and their actions.” This “disposition” can take many forms. Here’s a few I’m familiar with:
Hasty judging: Condemning others before the facts are known.
Scripture addresses this tendency in stark terms: “He that answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame unto him” (Prov. 18:13).
This can happen so quickly that we’re completely unaware of it. Bill Hill, Pastor of Bethany Baptist Church in Brevard, NC diagnoses what transpires with such “hasty” or premature judgments:
We perceive or observe and register data (someone’s words, tones, actions, etc.);
We then interpret that data regarding the meaning of certain words and actions and even determine, in many cases, the motives for each;
We proceed to form a judgment and attitude based on our interpretation of the data;
We then respond (through our actions, speech, thought patterns) based on our judgment.
Ladies, all of this can happen in minutes or it may unfold over days. With those closest to us, it usually happens in moments. We instantly jump to conclusions, zooming ahead, making authoritative judgments before we have gathered all the facts.
Hypocritical judging: Condemning others for something you do yourself.
According to Jesus, not only is this wrong, but our hypocrisy blinds us from viewing others accurately: “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.” (Matt. 7:3-5)
Mr. Edwards has again been very helpful to me: “If we were humbly sensible of our own failings, we would not be very eager or pleased in judging others. We all have the same kinds of corruption in our hearts. If we will but look to our own selves, we will see those same things, or perhaps something as much deserving of censure.”
Presumptuous judging: Condemning someone on the basis of unconfirmed rumors.
How do you respond when you hear unflattering reports of others? This kind of judging flows from a heart that is inclined to believe the worst. It receives slander; it feeds on rumor; and it rarely considers there’s more to the story.
The recent presidential campaign seemed almost calculated to elicit this sort of judgment from our hearts, as we were barraged by campaigns to discredit an opponent through rumors and stories crafted to create wonderings, doubt, and mistrust. Some could be substantiated, but many were simply rumors. How I wish media messages carried the following warning: “The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.” (Prov. 18:17).
Unfair judging: Ignoring everything that is favorable about someone and not giving a fair hearing to them.
This often characterizes the bitter person. When I am bitter, everything I see reinforces my negative perceptions.
Unnecessary judging: Condemning someone for something the Scriptures are silent about. There are many practices that are simply cultural rather than biblical in their basis. It is wise and loving to determine which is which. Romans 14 also gives us direction in this area.
Unmerciful judging: Imposing exacting standards upon the actions of others.
Those who demand perfection from others while they tolerate imperfection in themselves will be guilty of unmerciful judgment. I relate to others as a merciless judge. Scripture has little mercy itself for this kind of attitude: “For the man who has had no mercy (toward others) will be judged without mercy, but mercy takes pride in overcoming judging.” (James 2:13, The Bible in Basic English). However, rich promises await those who are merciful: "Do not judge, and you will not be judged; and do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; pardon, and you will be pardoned.” (Luke 6:37)
The final category is the one I’m most familiar with:
Arrogant Judging: Assuming I know the thoughts and motivations of others.
In some of the other categories, I draw conclusions based on “evidence” (however wrong), but here I don’t need evidence—I KNOW what’s in another’s heart! I then proceed to relate to the person based on those judgments. Sadly in my own life, this type of judging so often stems from a preoccupation with myself.
For much of our marriage, I lived with the thought that the only reason people invited me anywhere is because of my husband Jeff. He was the one they liked and wanted to be with; at best they tolerated me. They were not interested in my opinions or desirous of my contributions, only his. I might as well be invisible! As a result, I would withdraw from others. Rather than reaching out to them or engaging them, I would avoid them.
I was ruining what could have been sweet fellowship with others—all because of a “feeling.” And what’s so deceptive is that these feelings can seem so true, so real (especially when we know the other person well)—“I know that’s what they think and no one can convince me otherwise.” In my arrogance, this feeling was as real and true as Scripture.
Upon reflection, what this really exposed were the cravings of my own heart. I was more interested in how others were loving me than how I was loving them. I wasn’t concerned with God’s glory, but my own.
Perhaps you see yourself in one of these categories. For me, they’re helpful in identifying with precision the kinds of things that go on in my heart. And when I see those things clearly, then I’m in a better position to put them to death by God’s grace. Next time, we’ll talk about doing just that.
