“More on sinful judgment? Enough already!” I completely understand if that’s your response to seeing this final post. However, there’s one aspect of sinful judgment we’ve yet to touch upon, although it is one that you’re certain to encounter: how can we glorify God when someone sinfully judges us?You don’t have to be a pastor’s wife to be the recipient of others’ sinful judgments, but you can be sure that being a pastor’s wife, you will probably have some opportunities to apply what we are talking about. Because your husband is in a visible role, folks may have unrealistic expectations of you; they may be overly-desirous of your time, not understanding the demands you may have as a result of your husband being a pastor; they may have preconceived ideas of what a pastor’s wife is supposed to be or do; or they may simply be easily offended!I witnessed a vivid illustration of this seven years ago when a dear friend of mine was the recipient of my sinful judgment. We had been getting together one-on-one for some time, but the demands of her schedule required her to discontinue our meetings—meetings which, it turned out, obviously meant too much to me. Rather than believing the best, I “discerned” that she had been offended by something I had done and was therefore withdrawing from me. Something was wrong. I knew it. Sinful judgment rarely stops with an initial impression. After concluding that my friend was offended, I began compiling a mental list of other things she had done, or not done, that supported my conclusion. In my clouded vision, everything she did was a sinful reaction to me! My mind continued to wander—and to accuse. “She never really wanted to spend time with me anyway. The only reason she did was because her husband told her to!” (which clearly wasn’t a good enough reason for me at the time). My thinking was dominated by a vicious irony: in my certainty that she had misjudged me, I was sinfully judging her. This continued for months until one day I could stand it no more! I went to her house and found her wrapping gifts for her family. She welcomed me in and sheepishly admitted she was trying to catch up on many unfinished tasks (she had no idea that I was there to add to her list of “must do’s”!). I began asking her if I had offended her in some way. Although she could not recall anything I had done, I was not convinced. I pressed on, presenting my case of why I knew something was wrong. After thirty minutes or so of listening to my reasons, she humbly thanked me for communicating my thoughts and asked if she might pray about them and get back to me. I agreed, of course, and left confident that she would see the light and repent for all the ways she had failed to love me.As promised, she did call, humbly admitting that she had done a terrible job of being my friend. “I seem to live these days in a state of behindedness,” she explained. However, she had sought the Lord about my questions, and she could not think of any way she had been offended by me. “Julie, if something had been amiss, I would have come directly to you to talk about it. That’s my commitment to you as a friend.” She then asked a discerning question: “Julie, is it possible that you have sinfully judged me?”My mind recoiled. “What? No way! I wasn’t sinning! I was just wondering what was going on, and I had discerned that she was offended.” Obviously, sinful judgment was not a category for me at the time.But over the course of several weeks, through numerous conversations and the help of some excellent resources, I began to see that I had indeed been uncharitable in my judgment of her.Fast forward several years…a friend comes to my house. She shares with a heavy heart “burdens” she has about me and my children. Of course, I wanted to hear her concerns! She then proceeded to list all the ways I had disappointed her and neglected our friendship. It became clear that it wasn’t so much my parenting she was addressing, but her expectations for our relationship. All her evidence led to a clear conclusion: I had fallen far short in loving her and being a faithful friend. How thankful I was for the grace of God at that moment! How kind of the Lord to have given me a godly example years prior of how to respond when someone sinfully judges! As I drew and we talked about the various situations, her heart clearly softened. Before long, she called back to tell me that she realized she had been bitter all those months about something totally different, and she had sinfully judged me out of that bitterness.So what did I learn that was helpful? Remember the Cross This situation was pivotal in allowing the cross to actually function in my thinking. I must first remember the cross. Recalling that my sin placed Christ on the cross disarms my impulse to defend myself. Even when someone sinfully judges me, I still remain a sinner saved completely by God’s grace. Any charge lodged against me, any criticism that comes my way, is only a fraction of what could have been brought to light. Think of all that goes on in my heart and what the Lord knows about me. Think of all the times I have sinfully judged others. And yet my Redeemer has taken all those sins upon himself—I am guilty of great sin, but I have received a great pardon! Such truths guard my soul from both self-righteousness and despair, and they equip me to respond with grace toward others.Respond with Humility Because of what Christ has done, there is grace for me to respond with humility when I’m sinfully judged. This means, first, listening carefully to what the other person is saying. Yes, there may be room for explanation in order to help correct wrong impressions someone might have. My friend who had to cancel our lunches gently explained that her husband’s schedule had so drastically changed, it was requiring she cut out many things she truly enjoyed doing in order to serve him more effectively. The issue was not her motives, but my cravings!Later with my other friend, I was able to explain the numerous medical issues we were immersed in with one of our sons, along with the simultaneous ballooning of Jeff’s work responsibilities. Both of these were requiring much more discipline in my schedule. It now seemed that almost every minute of the day was planned out for me. Far from ignoring my friend, I dearly missed those times of spontaneous connecting we used to enjoy. So often, open and honest communication can clear away misunderstandings that often lie behind sinful judgment. However, given the presence of sin in our hearts, and the deceptiveness of sin, it is wise to assume there may well be some truth in the person’s observations. As my friend did with me, ask for time to pray about the observations brought to you, and truly seek the Lord as to any sin you may have been guilty of. This may require getting input from others who know your besetting sins and tendencies. Their objectivity might help to illuminate the other person’s observations.Embracing another’s observations is a critical moment for humility. Maybe this person has judged me; maybe she does not see things clearly; maybe she is self-righteous. Despite these things, she may well be a gift from God to bring sin to my attention so that I can repent, receive mercy, and grow in godliness. My focus should be on pleasing God, not on demanding perfection from the one coming to me!The apostle Peter’s description of Jesus’ example has become so precious to me—and so helpful in shaping my response to others: “But when He was reviled, he did not revile in return, when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting Himself to Him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness.” (1 Peter 2:23). At this point, let’s assume that the other person has sinfully judged you. So it may be appropriate (after sincerely doing a. and b.!) to ask if it is possible that sinful judgment has occurred.If appropriate, ask if it is possible that sinful judgment has occurred So, after searching your heart, and after repenting from any sin, there may be remaining issues being brought to you that are actually misperceptions, or are simply not true. If so, then you may need to help the person by humbly asking whether they have (a) made erroneous assumptions, or (b) drawn an incorrect conclusion. I want to be careful here, because we are now treading some tricky ground. But we simply must remember: we’re not defending ourselves. We are trying to glorify God and serve the other person. We must never forget our first point above: even if they are wrong, there are a lot of other sins they could be bringing to your attention! If they’re wrong on this sin, there are many worse sins they’re not even aware of! So we’re not vindicating ourselves; we’re seeking to help them perceive accurately. And place yourself in her shoes: if she is judging you, she probably doesn’t recognize it. So this is an opportunity, not to instruct her as her superior, but to come alongside of her as a fellow sinner. We can do this by asking questions, perhaps putting helpful resources into her hands, explaining how these have helped you. And then, patiently wait for God to give her insight. Reconcile if needed/possible, which includes forgiving mercifully As in every circumstance, we should remember that God is at work. Uncomfortable situations like these are an opportunity for the gospel to be applied and grace to be displayed. If we are keeping close to the cross, then we will be more than happy to extend forgiveness and the same grace that has been lavished upon us. God’s word helps us breathe the air of this kind of grace: “For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated others and hating one another. But, when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to His own mercy . . .” (Titus 3:3).Although I cringe when I recall judging my friend, even more vivid in my memory is when she came over afterward. We prayed together, she forgave me, and a sweet restoration of fellowship and deepening of friendship began that has only grown over the years. Let me conclude with one final suggestion:Follow up to ensure that restoration is complete You may want to consider following up with the person to see if there are any new thoughts, lingering concerns, or remaining judgments. If this person has sinfully judged you, then such thoughts might be a temptation for her—just like it is for any of us! Here is an opportunity to genuinely care for her by seeing how she’s doing and finding out how she’s processing the situation. Ladies, I know we’ve covered a lot of ground these past few weeks. If nothing else, I hope we’ve all had the category of sinful judgment highlighted in our minds. Because it’s a pattern of sin that feels so natural, it can be easily accommodated. It’s also a sin that has great destructive capacity in our relationships and in the body of Christ. But I am a living illustration for how God’s grace can expose and transform something that is so longstanding and deep-rooted. If there is hope for me, then there is hope for all of us!
