“As a pastor’s wife for ________ years, what is one piece of advice, or one bit of encouragement you would want to share with young pastors’ wives?”
Today we have the joy of hearing from Sheree Phillips whose husband, Benny, serves as a pastor in Metro Life Church in Orlando FL. Enjoy and be refreshed through her wise words!
It was the fall of 1979 and I had just turned 25. Benny and I had a 16-month-old son and a newborn daughter. And he was planting a church.
Some of you are already empathizing with me. You, too, became pastor’s wives in your 20’s with a little one or two in tow. Do you remember that sense of anticipation of ministry life alongside your man? The feeling of wonder that God would choose you to be a pastor’s wife?!?! The excitement you felt every Saturday night as you looked forward to another Sunday morning listening to him preach and watching him interact with God’s people?
Just writing these words brings a flood of memories to my now 55-year-old mind.
When Janis asked me to join some other “seasoned” pastor’s wives to share some thoughts for those younger wives coming behind us, I quickly knew what I wanted to share: Encourage them to maintain their husbands as the primary object of their increasing passion and selfless service.
You see, I didn’t consistently do this. Having six children in eleven years was understandably consuming…and exhausting. (Our seventh came soon after I turned 40 by adoption.) During that first decade of new church life and a growing family there were countless meetings and hospitalities (including many in our home); financial concerns; sleep deprived nights; painful interactions with unhappy church members; baby and wedding showers to plan and hostess; and ladies to care for through miscarriages, infant deaths, infertility, marital crisis, toddler tantrums, and unplanned years of singleness. And then add a million toilet cleanings, grocery runs, laundry loads, training sessions with feisty toddlers and…well, you know exactly what I mean.
Too often I allowed the demands of motherhood, homemaking, home schooling and extending care to others to deplete my waning energy. My marriage regretfully took a too frequent backseat to the seemingly urgent tasks that filled my not-long-enough days. Benny’s increasing responsibilities for a growing church and my ballooning duties as a mom and homemaker were a recipe for marital coasting – and, sometimes, drift. Because my husband was consistently patient with me, he rarely complained about my task-filled life. He understood that simply feeding, schooling and keeping clean clothes on a large family -- while learning to extend care as I could to the ladies in the church – was a more than fulltime job. Yet due to selfishness, misplaced priorities and a prideful willingness to take advantage of my husband’s gracious disposition toward me, I started noticing that fatigue, mental preoccupation with my never ending to-do list and a weighty focus on how the children and church members were doing became the increasing priority in my heart.
What happened to that season when embracing my helper design had been my burning desire? Didn’t I used to be willing to leave the laundry undone some days in favor of a nap so I’d be up for romance at bedtime? How long had it been since I wondered how in the world he chose me as my heart squeezed when he walked into the room? And when did I stop greeting him with a warm embrace when he came home from the office in favor of, “Hi, honey, how was your day and would you mind changing the baby and…oh…Jesse needs to be disciplined…sorry…it’s been a crazy afternoon”?
Little compromises. Subtle changes. Slow drift. Dulling conscience. Undetected sin. If not for my husband’s patient commitment to faithfully stoke the embers of passion in our marriage, I fear the drift would have worsened. Yet most critical was God’s tenacious pursuit of me and for the gift of conviction of my selfishness and pride.
So, young pastor’s wife, what can you learn from my mistakes?
- Remind yourself regularly of the privilege of being a pastor’s wife rather than of being a pastor’s wife. I wish I had more consistently kept my focus on the sheer thrill of being Benny’s wife, rather than on the fact that I was a pastor’s wife. While this is a subtle difference, I can look back and see how often my energies were fueled by sinful motives to be a “good” pastor’s wife rather than to simply be a “good” wife to my Benny.
- Be aware of the common temptations of pastor’s wives. Selfish ambition and a love of prominence are not just male temptations. Did I spend that extra time cleaning and cooking a special meal to wow my guests or to provide a hospitable “face to my husband’s ministry” (thanks, Kimm Harvey)? Was I considering how Benny would want me to use my afternoon, or was my task-orientation more to serve my idols of neatness and order? (Benny would say, “Take the nap, honey!”)? Were my efforts to raise mannered children motivated to impress others or to come alongside my husband to see our children grow in godliness?
- Keep your heart clear of resentment over his ministry responsibilities. Some of my battles with selfishness as a wife were rooted in comparing his “fun” life with my comparatively “blah” one. While I was eating whatever was leftover on the kid’s plates as I cleaned up after lunch, he was probably enjoying lunch out or savoring the one portion of leftovers from last night’s lasagna. While I was wiping bottoms and going over phonics rules, he was studying for Sunday’s message or watching the light come into a counselee’s eyes when they finally “got it.” I knew what I was doing was important and I didn’t want to be doing anything else! But even the small seeds of resentment over him being able to keep his office as cool as he wanted or enjoy uninterrupted reading or meet with people over lunch tarnished the girlish charm of belonging to this wonderful man.
Do you find yourself in the throes of motherhood, wondering how to balance home and ministry? Has it been awhile since your heart squeezed when he walked into the room? Is the Holy Spirit gently nudging you with conviction over resentment as you compare his days with yours? Do you ever fast forward your life and battle uncertainty over what the future holds for your marriage to a busy pastor? I have wonderful news for you! The gospel brings hope for change and the assurance that your future is a bright one when sin is confessed and put to death by His power.
After over three decades of ministry, we have four married children, our baby girl is now 15 and our tenth grandchild is on the way. I’m coloring my gray and my eyes aren’t as blue they used to be. And my flabby arms and forgetfulness over what that thingamagig I need is really called are a regular source of humor for my kids and grandkids. Benny and I will celebrate 37 years together early next year. In a few weeks we will spend a week together at the beach and we’re both counting the days – not just to “get away” but to experience the fruit of the gospel in our marriage – passion, tenderness and a seasoned gratefulness for the deepening love between us. I love being a pastor’s wife because Benny is a pastor. If he were a plumber or a lawyer or a teacher, I would still love being his wife.
And, yes, my heart regularly squeezes when he walks into the room. I still love hearing him preach, but sometimes (ok, I’m being really honest here) people probably think I’m listening intently when I’m really just looking intently and realizing how handsome he still is to me with his thinning hair and aging face. So please do learn from my mistakes. Don’t let even subtle unconfessed and unmortified sin rob you of the joy of remembering he asked you to be his wife.
Return to the wonder of why God chose you to be a pastor’s wife. But mostly because He chose you to be married to him…and he happens to be a pastor.
