Confessions of a Relocated Pastor's Wife: Part 1

by Laurie Reyes

Having enjoyed 29 years of a rich spiritual heritage at Sovereign Grace Church in Joppa, MD, and also the blessing of living within five minutes of every extended family member on both sides of the family; my husband, four children and I left it all in the fall 2007 to go to Akron, OH where my husband now serves as the senior pastor of Covenant of Grace Church. My name is Laurie Reyes and this is my relocation story – the good, the bad, and yes, of course, the ugly.

Once Upon A Time?

I really don’t know where to begin my story of relocating. Do I start with the time my husband, Jason came home from work and showed me what would end up being a life-altering email from Dave Harvey? Do I start with the conversation with my parents at Red Lobster when my mom sat beside my dad (senior pastor of Sovereign Grace Church and therefore Jason’s boss), brave but pale-faced as they told us we were beginning the process of sending Jason out from Sovereign Grace Church to serve as senior pastor in another location? Do I start with that very cold February weekend in Akron when we visited Covenant of Grace Church for the first time?

I don't know where to start, but I do know the theme of anything I write on relocating is that through the excitement and the fears, through the lessons and the losses, through the victories and the defeats, God has been so faithful. I marvel when I consider His faithfulness, patience, grace, mercy and compassion through this experience. He has sent us, and in the process, He is revealing Himself to us in a way that I will never capture in writing. What I can try to capture is my own experience so far. This isn’t a how-to. It’s just how it’s happening to me.

Phase 1: Where you go I will go, but…

I’m a romantic. Not so much in the candles, roses, and soft music sense, but in the idealization of myself and unknown circumstances sense. I think back to our wedding day when I, the starry eyed bride, gazed into my groom’s eyes and vowed to him that I would go where he went. As a young couple we had dreamed together of being part of a church plant someday, and in that romantic moment in time I thrilled at the idea of being with Jason on an adventure to some unknown land. I would be brave and enthusiastic, a modern pioneer woman.

When the discussion over Jason leading a church in Ohio began, I can honestly say that God gave grace and faith to be willing to “go”. But I soon found that being willing to go and going are different things. Being willing to go means a meaningful conversation at Starbucks with my husband, seeing and hearing his dreams and vision for a new chapter in ministry, and sincerely wanting to be a part of making him a success – then telling him that anywhere he is, is home. Going means getting a house on the market which means being ready to show it at any moment while trying to homeschool four children. Going means packing a family of six and all of their accompanying stuff. Going means heart wrenching goodbyes and painful “last times”. Going means finding a new home to live in. Going means starting all over in so many ways. Going isn’t what that starry eyed bride pictured when she said, “where you go…” And I certainly wasn’t the brave adventurer I fantasized myself to be. But while I never factored in the hard realities of relocating, I also never factored in the astounding grace that would be most evident, not in my brave willingness to leave everything behind (though that is a huge act of grace, believe me), but in my weakness. Under my faltering steps of following my husband, I found the firm path of God’s grace. Where I slipped into worry over our future, God reminded me of His faithfulness in the past. Where I made life harder for Jason through grumbling or complaining, there was sweet relief in my Savior who perfectly obeyed without grumbling or complaining. When I was struggling with the pain of leaving ones I love so much, God reminded me that the pain was evidence of the goodness of His gifts to me in relationships and new gifts awaited me in a new place. The dreamy notions of “where you go…” proved to be nowhere near the difficult reality of those words. But the grace to “go” proved to be far more profound than any dreamy notions.

Phase 2: The Journey has its own destination

God gave Jason wisdom early on that there were special lessons the Lord wanted to teach us that would be unique to the actual process of moving. It was such a temptation to just want to survive that uncomfortable season of suspension between two places, but God faithfully used that time to reveal things about us and more importantly things about Him.

The overarching lesson we were learning was to put our trust in God, not in circumstances or people or ourselves. This is a lesson we will learn for the rest of our lives, but there was something uniquely intense about it during the time before we actually moved. A constant tutor for me was worry, fear, and anxiety. I would lay awake at night in a cold sweat sometimes thinking thoughts like, Is this God’s will? Can Jason do this whole senior pastor thing? Will our house ever sell? Will my kids be traumatized? What will I do without my family? Will the church in Maryland understand? How will the church in Ohio receive us? I call worry, fear, and anxiety my tutor because it was teaching me where I was functionally placing my hope and peace. Often it was in Jason, my family, favorable circumstances, the favor of man, and even an assurance of future success. And I was learning where I wasn’t placing my hope: in the all-powerful, all-wise, and yet ever compassionate Savior. All of my usual more subtle unbelief was magnified during this time. It was impossible to excuse or ignore. God mercifully convicted me, faithfully forgave me, graciously gave me new opportunities to demonstrate faith, and patiently repeated this pattern over and over often in the same day.

Phase 3: Sacred Ordinary

The whirlwind of directing furniture and boxes to their appropriate places had settled down. The necessary-for-life-boxes had been unpacked. The kids were sleeping in their new bedrooms. Jason and I were putting sheets on our bed saying what we still say sometimes two years later, “can you believe we’re here? We live in Ohio.” So much unknown. I didn’t know where I would do my grocery shopping; where the library was; where we would have date nights. Everything was different. But in His kindness, God used an unexpected source to comfort my soul in those earliest days of relocating. That comfort I now call my sacred ordinary.

It was a comfort to wake up in my new home, walk downstairs, brew the coffee, read my Bible, make breakfast for the kids, and put on a load of laundry just as I had for hundreds of mornings before. Those things that I have complained about so many times – the redundancy of housework, the hard work of homeschooling, the meal planning and preparation – were a comforting, steady rhythm in the midst of so much change. They were God’s very tangible means of comfort to my soul.

"I Knew It!: Avoiding Sinful Judgment Part 4

By Julie Purswell

“More on sinful judgment? Enough already!” I completely understand if that’s your response to seeing this final post. However, there’s one aspect of sinful judgment we’ve yet to touch upon, although it is one that you’re certain to encounter: how can we glorify God when someone sinfully judges us?

You don’t have to be a pastor’s wife to be the recipient of others’ sinful judgments, but you can be sure that being a pastor’s wife, you will probably have some opportunities to apply what we are talking about. Because your husband is in a visible role, folks may have unrealistic expectations of you; they may be overly-desirous of your time, not understanding the demands you may have as a result of your husband being a pastor; they may have preconceived ideas of what a pastor’s wife is supposed to be or do; or they may simply be easily offended!

I witnessed a vivid illustration of this seven years ago when a dear friend of mine was the recipient of my sinful judgment. We had been getting together one-on-one for some time, but the demands of her schedule required her to discontinue our meetings—meetings which, it turned out, obviously meant too much to me.

Rather than believing the best, I “discerned” that she had been offended by something I had done and was therefore withdrawing from me. Something was wrong. I knew it.

Sinful judgment rarely stops with an initial impression. After concluding that my friend was offended, I began compiling a mental list of other things she had done, or not done, that supported my conclusion. In my clouded vision, everything she did was a sinful reaction to me! My mind continued to wander—and to accuse. “She never really wanted to spend time with me anyway. The only reason she did was because her husband told her to!” (which clearly wasn’t a good enough reason for me at the time). My thinking was dominated by a vicious irony: in my certainty that she had misjudged me, I was sinfully judging her.

This continued for months until one day I could stand it no more! I went to her house and found her wrapping gifts for her family. She welcomed me in and sheepishly admitted she was trying to catch up on many unfinished tasks (she had no idea that I was there to add to her list of “must do’s”!). I began asking her if I had offended her in some way. Although she could not recall anything I had done, I was not convinced. I pressed on, presenting my case of why I knew something was wrong.

After thirty minutes or so of listening to my reasons, she humbly thanked me for communicating my thoughts and asked if she might pray about them and get back to me. I agreed, of course, and left confident that she would see the light and repent for all the ways she had failed to love me.

As promised, she did call, humbly admitting that she had done a terrible job of being my friend. “I seem to live these days in a state of behindedness,” she explained. However, she had sought the Lord about my questions, and she could not think of any way she had been offended by me. “Julie, if something had been amiss, I would have come directly to you to talk about it. That’s my commitment to you as a friend.”

She then asked a discerning question: “Julie, is it possible that you have sinfully judged me?”

My mind recoiled. “What? No way! I wasn’t sinning! I was just wondering what was going on, and I had discerned that she was offended.” Obviously, sinful judgment was not a category for me at the time.

But over the course of several weeks, through numerous conversations and the help of some excellent resources, I began to see that I had indeed been uncharitable in my judgment of her.

Fast forward several years…a friend comes to my house. She shares with a heavy heart “burdens” she has about me and my children. Of course, I wanted to hear her concerns! She then proceeded to list all the ways I had disappointed her and neglected our friendship. It became clear that it wasn’t so much my parenting she was addressing, but her expectations for our relationship. All her evidence led to a clear conclusion: I had fallen far short in loving her and being a faithful friend.

How thankful I was for the grace of God at that moment! How kind of the Lord to have given me a godly example years prior of how to respond when someone sinfully judges! As I drew and we talked about the various situations, her heart clearly softened. Before long, she called back to tell me that she realized she had been bitter all those months about something totally different, and she had sinfully judged me out of that bitterness.

So what did I learn that was helpful?

Remember the Cross

This situation was pivotal in allowing the cross to actually function in my thinking. I must first remember the cross. Recalling that my sin placed Christ on the cross disarms my impulse to defend myself. Even when someone sinfully judges me, I still remain a sinner saved completely by God’s grace. Any charge lodged against me, any criticism that comes my way, is only a fraction of what could have been brought to light. Think of all that goes on in my heart and what the Lord knows about me. Think of all the times I have sinfully judged others. And yet my Redeemer has taken all those sins upon himself—I am guilty of great sin, but I have received a great pardon! Such truths guard my soul from both self-righteousness and despair, and they equip me to respond with grace toward others.

Respond with Humility

Because of what Christ has done, there is grace for me to respond with humility when I’m sinfully judged.

This means, first, listening carefully to what the other person is saying. Yes, there may be room for explanation in order to help correct wrong impressions someone might have. My friend who had to cancel our lunches gently explained that her husband’s schedule had so drastically changed, it was requiring she cut out many things she truly enjoyed doing in order to serve him more effectively. The issue was not her motives, but my cravings!

Later with my other friend, I was able to explain the numerous medical issues we were immersed in with one of our sons, along with the simultaneous ballooning of Jeff’s work responsibilities. Both of these were requiring much more discipline in my schedule. It now seemed that almost every minute of the day was planned out for me. Far from ignoring my friend, I dearly missed those times of spontaneous connecting we used to enjoy.

So often, open and honest communication can clear away misunderstandings that often lie behind sinful judgment. However, given the presence of sin in our hearts, and the deceptiveness of sin, it is wise to assume there may well be some truth in the person’s observations.

As my friend did with me, ask for time to pray about the observations brought to you, and truly seek the Lord as to any sin you may have been guilty of. This may require getting input from others who know your besetting sins and tendencies. Their objectivity might help to illuminate the other person’s observations.

Embracing another’s observations is a critical moment for humility. Maybe this person has judged me; maybe she does not see things clearly; maybe she is self-righteous. Despite these things, she may well be a gift from God to bring sin to my attention so that I can repent, receive mercy, and grow in godliness. My focus should be on pleasing God, not on demanding perfection from the one coming to me!

The apostle Peter’s description of Jesus’ example has become so precious to me—and so helpful in shaping my response to others: “But when He was reviled, he did not revile in return, when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting Himself to Him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness.” (1 Peter 2:23).

At this point, let’s assume that the other person has sinfully judged you. So it may be appropriate (after sincerely doing a. and b.!) to ask if it is possible that sinful judgment has occurred.

If appropriate, ask if it is possible that sinful judgment has occurred

So, after searching your heart, and after repenting from any sin, there may be remaining issues being brought to you that are actually misperceptions, or are simply not true. If so, then you may need to help the person by humbly asking whether they have (a) made erroneous assumptions, or (b) drawn an incorrect conclusion.

I want to be careful here, because we are now treading some tricky ground. But we simply must remember: we’re not defending ourselves. We are trying to glorify God and serve the other person.

We must never forget our first point above: even if they are wrong, there are a lot of other sins they could be bringing to your attention! If they’re wrong on this sin, there are many worse sins they’re not even aware of! So we’re not vindicating ourselves; we’re seeking to help them perceive accurately.

And place yourself in her shoes: if she is judging you, she probably doesn’t recognize it. So this is an opportunity, not to instruct her as her superior, but to come alongside of her as a fellow sinner. We can do this by asking questions, perhaps putting helpful resources into her hands, explaining how these have helped you. And then, patiently wait for God to give her insight.

Reconcile if needed/possible, which includes forgiving mercifully

As in every circumstance, we should remember that God is at work. Uncomfortable situations like these are an opportunity for the gospel to be applied and grace to be displayed. If we are keeping close to the cross, then we will be more than happy to extend forgiveness and the same grace that has been lavished upon us.

God’s word helps us breathe the air of this kind of grace: “For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated others and hating one another. But, when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to His own mercy . . .” (Titus 3:3).

Although I cringe when I recall judging my friend, even more vivid in my memory is when she came over afterward. We prayed together, she forgave me, and a sweet restoration of fellowship and deepening of friendship began that has only grown over the years.

Let me conclude with one final suggestion:

Follow up to ensure that restoration is complete

You may want to consider following up with the person to see if there are any new thoughts, lingering concerns, or remaining judgments. If this person has sinfully judged you, then such thoughts might be a temptation for her—just like it is for any of us! Here is an opportunity to genuinely care for her by seeing how she’s doing and finding out how she’s processing the situation.

Ladies, I know we’ve covered a lot of ground these past few weeks. If nothing else, I hope we’ve all had the category of sinful judgment highlighted in our minds. Because it’s a pattern of sin that feels so natural, it can be easily accommodated. It’s also a sin that has great destructive capacity in our relationships and in the body of Christ. But I am a living illustration for how God’s grace can expose and transform something that is so longstanding and deep-rooted. If there is hope for me, then there is hope for all of us!

"I Knew It!": Avoiding Sinful Judgment, Part 3

by Julie Purswell

What’s the most important thing one can ever know about sinful judgment? (2 hints: it’s true of every sin, and last week’s post ended with it): we can be forgiven! Nothing I could ever say about sinful judgment is more important than God’s answer for sinful judgment—the cross of Christ. And as we saw last week, that’s the first and foundational remedy to sinful judgment: humble repentance in light of the gospel.

Of course, our Savior never leaves us merely forgiven, but He’s devoted to our transformation. This is also glorious news: when God convicts us of sin and grants us repentance, He powerfully works in us to make us different.

How grateful I am to see evidence of this in my own life. Not long ago, I was in the kitchen preparing dinner while my sons were playing in the basement. Over the raucous noise of verbalized crashes and explosions, it’s not unusual to hear my Benjamin’s high-pitched shrieks because of something his big brother is doing to him. On this particular afternoon, I heard the familiar cries: “NO, SAM, NO!!! Don’t DO it! PLEASE, DON’T! It will HURT! NO SAM!!!” alternating with Sam’s determined voice: “I’m gonna do it! It won’t hurt! I’m gonna do it!” Of course, I immediately knew what my oldest son was up to: “That boy is always tempting his little brother; there he goes again—what’s he doing this time: pinning him to the floor? Threatening to hit him with something? I AM NOT GOING TO RAISE A BULLY! I’ve had it—we’ve told him time and again to be kind to his brother, to be an example, to be his protector, to use self-control!

However, something unusual happened. Instead of stomping down the stairs, marching over to Sam with scolding looks and words, by God’s grace I took a deep breath and “entered with my eyes instead of my voice.” Although I was prepared to bellow out a correction, when I rounded the corner, the boys turned to see me, and Sam cried out excitedly, “Look Mom, a dead spider on the table! I was going to touch it to show Ben that it was really dead and wouldn’t hurt him or me!”

Instead of threatening Ben, Sam wanted to serve him. Instead of being scared of Sam, Ben was scared for him. It wasn’t at all what I knew was happening. But in His kindness, God spared me from acting on my sinful judgment yet again, and my suspicions melted into fresh love for my boys—and as a result, I’m now less prone to uncharitable judgments of my sons.

Remedy #2: The Pursuit of Love

This suggests a second part of the remedy for sinful judgment: the pursuit of love. We don’t simply stop judging, we start loving. And I’ve found no greater help in the battle against sinful judgment than the truth found in 1 Corinthians 13. Over and over I’ve been inspired by its description of genuine love, and convicted by its penetrating claim: regardless of what commendable things I do, they amount to nothing in God’s eyes if I do not love.

This simple chart has helped me contrast my own sinful tendencies with God’s description of love:

Sinful Judgment	Love
Unsympathetic to human weakness	Love is patient and kind (v. 4a)
Exalts my desires, elevates my preferences, and assumes I perceive accurately	Love is not arrogant (not puffed up, blown up, inflated with self-importance – v. 4b)
Keeps close track of others’ sins (whether real or imagined)	Love keeps no record of wrongs (v. 5b)
Automatically assumes the worst rather than the best about another.	Love believes the best, bears, hopes, and endures all things (v. 7)

In a moment of temptation, this chart places my choice in stark relief. When my husband calls and says he’ll be home in 10 minutes and it’s now been 30, do I stew over all the things I just know he’s doing? Or do I practice patience and intentionally and specifically prepare to show him kindness? (Now, if this occurs every day, then later you can humbly discuss this pattern with your husband—but that’s for someone else’s blog post!).

What if someone hasn’t returned my phone call or e-mail in what I consider is a timely manner? Again I have a choice: I can criticize them in my heart and draw a conclusion about their motive, or I can humbly choose to think charitably about them—perhaps they’re so burdened they can’t even get to their calls or e-mail! Whatever they’re tending to, I’m certain it’s more important than my call (Phil. 2:3)! Or maybe she didn’t even get the message!

As I’ve seen more of this sinful tendency in my life, I’ve been amazed at how reflexively I can assume the worst about others instead of believing the best (v. 7). When a friend moved in with us four years ago, she expressed her eager desire to fight the sin of selfishness and humbly asked us to help her spot manifestations of this sin. She explained how comfortable she had become in her 40 years of singleness, and she wanted to resist the temptation to isolate herself in her room where it was nice and quiet (unlike the rest of our house!).

One particular August, it seemed to me that she was spending an inordinate amount of time in her room with her door shut. I assumed something must be wrong. She must be depressed again . . . or bothered about something . . .and off I went down my path of judging.

For two weeks, I judged in silence, speculating, wondering—knowing there must be a problem—until my 47th birthday rolled around in early September, and she presented me with a collection of 47 exquisite cards which she had lovingly made by hand, secluded in her room, over the past two weeks. My mind flooded with mixed feelings: I was blessed by her thoughtfulness and mortified by the string of uncharitable assumptions I had made. How easily I could have just asked her questions in order to care for her. How I wished I had believed the best.

When we pursue the kind of love we see in 1 Corinthians 13, instead of sinful judgments, we’ll make charitable judgments.

Ken Sande has a helpful definition of charitable judgment:

Charitable (loving) Judgment: “Out of love for God, you strive to believe the best about others until you have facts to prove otherwise.”

If we can reasonably interpret facts in two possible ways, love calls us to choose the positive interpretation over the negative -- or at least to postpone making any judgment at all until we can acquire conclusive facts.

Isn’t it amazing how, with those we truly love, we are less likely to jump to negative conclusions, but instead to defend them? Love covers a multitude of sins.

And isn’t this the way God treats us? He judges mercifully. He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve. He doesn’t chastise us for every sin. He is patient with us in our sin.

Remedy #3: Renewing Our Minds

If we desire long-term change in this area, the third part of the remedy is vitally important. We must renew our minds. Of course, we’re always to be renewing our minds as we grow in godliness, but it is particularly important with this sin pattern. Because the heart of this sin involves what I think—the assumptions I hold, the evaluations I make, the conclusions I draw—my mental faculties are fully engaged as my mind travels down well-worn paths of judgment. To put this sin to death, then, I must diligently be about the disciplines of renewing my mind.

Let me suggest two simple but important facets of this. First, Scripture memorization is the most powerful weapon we have here. I believe this requires more than the normal exposure to the bible I receive in my devotions. I’m referring here to what our friend Mike Bullmore has called “strategic Scripture memorization”: identifying specific verses to addresses specific sinful thoughts.

I’m sure you have your own list, but in addition to 1 Cor. 13, here are a few that have been helpful to me:

Proverbs 18:13 – If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.

Philippians 4:8 – Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Philippians 2:3 – Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.

Romans 12:9-10 – Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.

Luke 6:35-36 – But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for He is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful.

Because this pattern of sin occurs so spontaneously, we need to arm ourselves with specific verses such as these so that we can do battle in the moment. How often I have returned to these verses and found my thinking corrected and my sinful judgment averted.

A second facet of renewing our minds is learning to scrutinize judgmental thoughts when they come. As I’ve focused on this area, I’ve become much more attuned to such thoughts when they jump to mind. Here are some questions that might be helpful to keep in mind when you read that e-mail, or leave that conversation, or observe that interaction.

Am I more aware at this moment that I am the biggest sinner I know (because I know my own heart!)? Am I relating to this person self-righteously, or as a fellow sinner saved by grace?

Is my thought/opinion based firmly on Scripture or on my own ideas and preferences?

Have I assumed I know this person’s heart and made judgments about her motive? Am I believing the best about her (unless facts make this impossible)?

Am I drawing a conclusion prematurely? Am I missing any facts necessary for an accurate evaluation?

How would I want this person to think of me if the roles were reversed?

Consider crafting your own questions to scrutinize the kinds of judgments you make. This will help you be more suspicious of your own heart than you are of others!

Remedy #4: Requesting the Help of Others

I want to mention one final remedy—requesting the help of others—because few areas of my life have been more transformed by others’ input than sinful judging. I think that’s because of the nature of this sin—my feelings feel so natural! My assessments seem so right! So most of the time I don’t even realize that I am judging. This is why I need the eyes of others, because they can see it much more clearly than I can myself.

And I need more than just their eyes; I need to equip them to serve me in this sin area, alerting them to my tendencies, informing them of my weaknesses. If I do this, then their observations will be more insightful, their questions more pointed. If I really want to put this sin to death, I want others’ help before I sin. And then I want to keep asking for their help as I walk through the process of putting this sin to death.

Here’s how this looked for me just a few weeks ago. I received an e-mail from a woman filled with her observations of my failures. If you’ve received one of those, you know the mixture of dread and defensiveness that wells up in your heart. Before I even finished reading the note, I forwarded it Jeff and the ladies in my care group because I wanted their objective eyes—not simply on this note, but even moreso on me as I processed this note. They are well-acquainted with my history and patterns of sinful judgment. They know what questions to ask and how to help me navigate humbly. And because they did, my response to the note led to a confession of sin and a reconciliation with this woman that surpassed my expectations.

Well, I realize this has been lengthy, but I hope it’s helped to prepare your heart for temptations that most surely will arise. And if you want to stick with this series one more week, we’ll look at what happens when we’re the ones being judged.

"I Knew It": Avoiding Singful Judgment, Part 2

by Julie Purswell

Last week I had the honor of introducing you to my struggle with sinful judgment—a rather humbling way to get on this blog! But if you can identify with my struggles, I pray you will also derive hope from the grace God has given me in battling this sin over the past few years. That’s what I’d like to explore this week: having examined some of the ways we often judge others, how do we, by God’s grace, put sinful judgment to death?

Battling any sin requires that we address its underlying roots and not merely its outward displays. Here are three roots that I’ve found often fuel my own uncharitable judgment:

• Arrogance: From Edwards’s book I learned that when I judge and condemn others, inevitably I am doing so out of pride and arrogance toward them. I am setting myself up as lord and judge; they answer to me, my standards, and my assessment. So I become their judge–instead of a fellow servant who’s called to love and serve them.

Paul’s words provide a stinging indictment to such arrogance: “Who are you that judges another man’s servant? To his own master he stands or falls” (Rom. 14:4). God is the only rightful judge, and the thought of His perfect righteousness and unchallenged sovereignty should hold us back from daring to judge or censure our fellow human beings.

Now it’s easy for me to talk about arrogance, but it helped me to look it up in the dictionary in order to get my arms around it. Here’s what The Encarta® World English Dictionary has to say about arrogance:

Arrogance: “A strong feeling of proud self-importance that is expressed by treating other people with contempt or disregard. An offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride.” (Isn’t that lovely?)

“. . . proud self-importance . . . treating other people with contempt or disregard . . . . superiority . . .”—now that will lead to uncharitable judgment!

We think we know. We make assumptions about the motivations and circumstances of others. We then invest those assumptions with unquestioned authority. And in an instant, we have taken on the role of God, who alone truly knows the motivations of the heart.

• Selfish Cravings: We are simply consumed with ourselves. Self-centered thoughts, selfish desires, selfish ambition; we want our way, we want attention, we want—well—glory! And so we’re consumed with our favorite subject: me! “How will I be affected?” “How do I appear?” “How will my needs be met?” Me, me, me, me, me. In the words of one comedian, we become the “Me Monster”!

Few verses have brought greater clarity to me in this area than James 4:1-2: “What causes fights among you (and my husband says we could add ‘judgments that cause these fights’)? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.” Usually, it really is that simple—and in the turmoil of my swirling feelings, I need this simple truth.

• Bitterness: Like food coloring in a glass of water, bitterness taints everything we see. When we fail to forgive others, holding their past sins over their head, we will inevitably judge them uncharitably. Bitterness places everything about them in the worse possible light. We hear their words, we interpret their actions, we assume their motives all through the distorting lens of our bitterness.

In a context that deals with judging and anger and conflict, James provides us with more convicting counsel: “But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic.” (James 3:14-15).

How ironic – we can be so focused on what we perceive as another’s wrong when we are the ones aligning ourselves with the devil and his agenda.

Perhaps there are others, but these are roots of sinful judgment that I’m most familiar with. It is convicting to examine just what is going on in our hearts when we sinfully judge others, but that very conviction is the beginning of authentic change. So let’s turn now to the remedy—what can we do to put this sin to death?

The first step won’t surprise you; it’s not complicated, but it is critical.

• Humble Repentance in light of the Gospel.

It wasn’t enough for me simply to see these things; God made it clear (as He always does) that I had to turn from these things.

Ladies, note that I say “humble repentance.” With this sin in particular, humility is crucial. By definition, when I judge someone, I am exalting my opinion; I am setting myself up as judge; and my perspective can’t be challenged.

Repentance therefore requires that I relinquish my authority as “infallible judge,” letting go of my pride and arrogance, my certainty that “I know.” But when I acknowledge such arrogance for what it is, God’s word promises the grace of godly sorrow that leads to repentance (2 Cor. 7:10).

As God opened my eyes to this way of thinking and relating, I was pierced to the heart. I realized I have spent much of my life judging people and responding to them out of those judgments. As painful as this realization was, it was actually a tremendous mercy, for it produced godly sorrow and authentic repentance I could not have manufactured on my own.

Of course, biblical repentance is repentance in light of the gospel. This sin was so pervasive in my life that I would have despaired if it weren’t for the knowledge that Jesus died for sins like these. So, facing my sin squarely should first take me to the cross. Never does the gospel sound so sweet as when I am drowning in my sins.

Thomas Watson wrote, “A broken heart and a broken Christ do well agree. The more bitterness we taste in sin, the more sweetness we shall taste in Christ.”

Besides revealing to me this pattern of judging, this process has effected something even more powerful in my life. It’s made me more grateful for the decisive, unchanging, irrevocable salvation Christ provided on the cross. My battle with sinful judgment has taken me again and again to the gospel as I rehearse and declare to my soul precious truths about the cross:

• The cross tells me that God is holy.
• The cross tells me that I am not.
• The cross shows me what my sin deserves.
• The cross shows me that what my sin deserves fell on another.
• The cross shows me that God’s wrath is satisfied.
• The cross shows me that the power of sin is broken.
• Because of His death on my behalf, I stand clothed in His righteousness.
• Because of the cross there is a throne I can approach with confidence; a throne of grace where I can go to find mercy and help in my time of need.

Although I deeply regret the many occasions I’ve judged those I love, my regret pales in comparison to the new appreciation for grace God has worked in my heart. If you find yourself identifying with my sin, my prayer is that you will also experience a fresh awareness of the forgiveness and freedom that awaits us when we bring our sin to One who died for it.

Well, after forgiveness, what? Next week, we’ll talk about that.