Good morning ladies! I hope coffee is perking as you open today’s blog. I’m guessing, since it’s after the holidays, that you’re eating your Kashi instead of the chocolate doughnut you really want, but whatever it is, enjoy!
Speaking of chocolate, we’re not sure if it was the reference to chocolate fondue, the proper wearing of Spanx, or friendship between team wives that made Kimm Harvey’s recent blog [LINK] so popular, but you let us know you were interested and we wanted to respond.
Beginning with the first issue, there are lots of delectable fondue recipes on the internet. As for the Spanx, well, we don’t recommend the internet for that one, but find a good girlfriend who loves to laugh and hit the stores.
The last topic, friendship between team wives, is actually something we can tackle here on the blog, and something we love to discuss. As a pastor’s wife at Covenant Fellowship Church, I can vouch for the fact that our time at The Melting Pot was sweet and that it did reflect the ease of friendship we enjoy. But that hasn’t always come naturally—our sins ensure that. And yet God has called us, as He’s called you and the wives on your team, to love one another deeply and pursue true friendship for his glory.
So today, the first of three entries on the topic, we’ll tackle the why question with Kimm: Why is it so important to pursue these friendships? Next week, we’ll hit the how question: How do I practically begin? And the third and fourth weeks we’ll hear from one lady who is applying these principles even though her husband is pastoring alone and one whose life has been transformed through cultivating team relationships. So stick around--there should be something for everyone.
Now Kimm’s the most down-to-earth, unassuming person I know, but before we knock on her front door, let me level with you. Sometimes when I’m feeling weak in an area, a description of someone else’s strengths and successes does not produce the eager, joyful response it should—even if they’re presenting it humbly. As a matter of fact, sometimes a low rumbling of resentment begins in my heart. Discouragement and envy murmur, “Are we hearing this again?” “Everything they do sounds perfect.” “I could never be like that!” And that’s all taking place during a very impressive smile and nod. We’re probably all familiar with these temptations, so let’s together fight them off and jump into these next few blogs with hearts of faith, remembering that our Father knows every detail of our situations and capacities, of our dreams and fears, of our successes and failures. He is a God of hope who has great blessings in store for us. But sometimes he calls us to step out to receive them.
Okay, we’ve prepped--I think we’re ready for the visit now. I’ll take the easy job of asking and give Kimm the more difficult job of answering.
TD: Kimm, when did this value of friendship between the pastors’ wives really come alive for you?
KH: I remember the moment clearly even though it was many years ago. At that point I had some wonderful friends who were very similar to me. We had our kids together, called each other with every funny story, and knew each other’s kitchen cabinets like our own. There was a component of biblical fellowship in our friendship, but it wasn’t a primary goal.
God used a conversation with the Mahaneys to show me that according to scripture, glorifying God and growing spiritually are the true goals of relationships, and the experience of friendship is the sweet fruit of that. I had it backwards: I had lived as if friendship and fun were the goal; if growth also happened, then great, that was a bonus.
But I saw something. My current friendships were gifts from God given to enjoy, but they could not displace my calling to build with the pastors’ wives. I had to come to terms with the fact that my husband’s calling defined, at least in some way, the field of my relationships. And as I applied myself there, these relationships ended up becoming very dear to me, and beneficial in countless ways.
TD: What is unique about friendships among team wives?
KH: As pastors’ wives, we’ve been given a privileged role. Think about it…we live under the same roof with someone who is called to build the church with a team of other men. Their relationships become the model for what the church can be. That means my friendship with the other pastors’ wives helps facilitate the strength and unity of that team. We support their mission as we build together. We’re part of the glue that holds them together. If they are encountering problems with one another, we can encourage them to stay in the ring. Not to mention, our husbands are often away at the same times, so it’s easy to get together!
TD: You’ve had the opportunity to travel with Dave to many churches. What has that broad perspective shown you about how team relationships affect the church?
KH: I’ve relished the opportunities to sit over coffee and chat with the pastors’ wives of our churches. I’ve learned a lot from them, but I’ve also noticed something. There seems to be a correlation between strong team relationships and strong churches. That’s not profound, but it is very important. While we’re juggling the laundry, the calendar, the math homework, the dinner menu, we’re not often contemplating the contribution our lives and friendships make to the church, but you know what? It really makes a difference.
Here’s another thought: friendships between the wives seem to help guard against pettiness, team strife, and bitterness. If the wives have a robust, healthy, biblical friendship, it protects the integrity of the counsel and influence we give our husbands. We’re quicker to think the best of another couple or wife on the team when we know and love them. It’s easier to understand them, to interpret their comments, to sympathize with their weaknesses. And that can become pretty important when things aren’t going well.
TD: You’re right—so many churches have imploded for exactly those reasons. It’s faith-building to see that our relationships with other women can help prevent that.
KH: Yes, and the pursuit of friendship between the wives also serves as an example to the church. We’re asking our members to embrace fellowship with people in their community groups, whether it’s easy or not. We don’t say, “Only build in the community group if you like their personality!” No, we say “Our Sovereign God has united you with this group in this season. Now go and apply God’s word to love one another, serve one another, greet one another, show hospitality, etc.” If the women of the church are being asked to do this, why wouldn’t we seek to do it as well?
TD: Let me pick up on that a bit. What if the wives of the pastoral team just don’t click? What if friendship doesn’t come easily?
KH: Where does it say friendships come easy? That’s a cultural myth. Just like any relationship (parents, husband, kids), friendships require work. And similar to marriage, God seems to delight in connecting us with people who will help us grow.
The truth is we all love to be around people like ourselves. We want things to “click” like you say. We want it to be easy. And let’s thank God for friends he’s provided like that. But when we see friendship as an opportunity to encourage one another towards glorifying God, then suddenly, commonalities aren’t as important anymore. In fact, diversity is sometimes a bigger help! We need people who see things differently, and live life differently; people who love us, but don’t necessarily agree with us about everything! I can think of many ladies on our team who wouldn’t be “natural” friends, but who I couldn’t live without. Their friendship and perspective and wisdom have helped me immeasurably. You won’t always see this at first, but press into the ladies on your team, and I promise you fruit will come.
TD: You’ve been a Senior Pastor’s wife for about 20 years. Do you have any thoughts specifically for other ladies in that role?
KH: I just want to encourage them in the opportunity God has given them. Ladies, the other pastors’ wives will follow your example. If you press into them, pursuing their friendship, preferring them, looking for ways to bless and encourage them, a bond will begin to grow. Even if you don’t feel gifted to lead an official women’s ministry, you may still need to feel some ownership in connecting the ladies. I’m not talking about preparing messages and organizing big events. I’m saying perk some coffee, pop some popcorn, and throw open your house. But if you’re a pastor’s or leader’s wife whose senior pastor’s wife is just finding her way, make sure she feels your encouragement and not your expectations. Every senior pastor’s wife has to be led by her husband into an evaluation of what she can legitimately give in each season of her life.
TD: One last very real question for you Kimm. How would you respond to someone who might read this and say, “That’s easy for you with your big team of ladies who’ve lived these values for years, but you should see our group!”
KH: (Laughing) I would encourage them with a picture of us in the early years. We weren’t the epitome of maturity then, and we aren’t now. We’ve had conflicts, misunderstandings, confessions, and even tears at times throughout the years. But by God’s grace, we’ve grown, and we’ve helped each other grow, and we love each other and this church more than we ever have. So I would say, do you desire deeper relationships with the other ladies? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Take a step…I think you’ll be surprised at what God can do!
