By Trish Donahue
Back for part two? Oh, good. Last week I think you were eating your Kashi, but now, one more week into January, I bet the resolutions have slackened and you’re supplementing your cereal with a bite of your son’s pop-tart. Am I good or what?
Anyway, speaking of food (again), once in a while, when my husband is away, we have “kid dinner.” My kids love it, and I confess that I do too. It’s usually something ridiculously quick and generally unhealthy (read hot dogs). Making “kid dinner” every night would be really easy and efficient—one dirty pan and a two second prep time.
But sometimes other values trump ease and efficiency; for instance, nutrition, presentation, variety, and the well-being of my family. Even though it takes more effort, it’s worth it to make meals that are good for us.
Our relationships with the other pastors’ wives are similar. Ease and efficiency tell us we don’t have time to invest in relationships that seem like extra work. After all, these are not relationships we chose—they were chosen for us. We’ll just enjoy the ones that come more naturally. But again, sometimes other values trump ease and efficiency. There is so much more to be enjoyed!
Last week, we talked with Kimm about why we should invest our efforts into building friendships with the other wives; today we’ll continue the conversation with a look at how. We may recognize the importance of building these friendships, but how in the world do we do it? Where do we start?
Do you remember last week’s little pep talk before we knocked on Kimm’s door? Well, here’s another quick one for all you over-achievers: We don’t have to implement all of these ideas right now. Isn’t that great? Let’s ask the Lord to reveal his will to us as we jump back into this topic.
Okay, it’s cold out here. Let’s go in.
TD: All-right Kimm, inquiring minds want to know. How do we begin pursuing close friendships among team wives? What’s the 12-step program?
KH: I’ll start off with the two step program. The first step is to have a conversation with the Lord. Ask God for wisdom, for vision, for good ideas and lots of love. Ask him to show you what he holds out for you in light of this conversation. He alone can give us the grace we need to live for him. The second step is to have a conversation with your husband. He needs to lead you in this, and direct you in what part you are to play.
TD: Have there been particular ideas that you and Dave have found helpful as you’ve built this value into the ladies?
KH: I remember when we first started. God helped me to say to the other wives, “I’m throwing myself in. We’re in this together, and by God’s grace I’m going to pursue you actively and purposefully. I don’t know what it’s going to look like, but I know God has good things for us.” I meant it. I really didn’t know what it would look like or what they would think of me; in fact, I barely knew some of them, yet I was confident this was what God wanted us to pursue. The direction God provided was something called fellowship groups. These groups have been integral to the closeness we experience. We meet monthly in small groups to encourage one another, celebrate God’s grace in our lives, ask for help in areas that we feel we need to grow in and especially drink good coffee! Some of us even meet with our husbands beforehand and make sure we know what God is calling us to confess or share. Vulnerability is like glue. These groups brought us closer than we ever were before.
TD: I agree. Those groups are very helpful. I’ve also considered the retreats we’ve taken as wives a valuable investment in our friendships, and you’ve done a great job in creating an environment of fun and friendship. Can you tell us how you think through those retreats?
KH: We try to go away for two to three days every year as the budget allows, and it really does build closeness among the ladies(some years we have just done day trips or an afternoon event). We usually try to keep four components in mind when planning: teaching, worship and prayer, sharing evidences of grace and current struggles, and fun.
Regarding teaching, one of the pastors will sometimes join us for the day and share a message that relates to our roles and responsibilities, or sometimes one of the wives will prepare a short teaching. We also encourage all the ladies to come prepared to share something they’ve gleaned over the last year.
Coming before the Lord together in a time of prayer and worship reminds us that this church is not about us and our little preferences, but about our beautiful Savior and his will for us. We want to offer ourselves to him to use as he chooses.
By sharing evidences of grace, I mean highlighting the growth and grace we see in each other. God is changing us, and sometimes we need others to show us that. But sharing struggles and sins is an important aspect as well, and it doesn’t have to be discouraging. I remember a season where everyone was praying for me in the area of self-righteousness, and although it was difficult, it was a grace-filled experience that yielded fruit in my life. I remember other seasons of praying for someone to conceive, or for someone to conquer their struggle with discontentment. When you have shared your weaknesses together, made yourselves vulnerable, and availed yourself to the activity of the Holy Spirit, you are instantly drawn together. We often encourage a particular woman as well on those retreats. In my experience, when you take time to think about what you love about someone, you will find your heart warming towards them.
And fun is a non-negotiable in our gang. Fellowship doesn’t have to always be a sober business. We’ve made memories together that will last a lifetime, and when you’ve done silly things—true girlfriend things—with someone and feel comfortable, it’s easier to trust them in matters of the heart. We have laughed at ourselves and at each other—okay, a few of us mostly laugh at each other. I can’t promise that will ever change!
TD: Off the top of my head, I’m remembering manicures complete with voting systems over what color to choose, shopping trips with a small cash gift and spending stipulations, the trip to the corner drug store with a lesson on the proper application of lipstick, and lots of yummy food, laughter, and story-telling. These have all become a part of who we are and what we’ve shared together. But do you need a certain personality to carry it off?
KH: Not at all. Everyone is different. If you find yourself leading the wives on the team, get to know each one and their strengths and potential. Then find ways to draw those strengths out, allowing each woman to use the gifts God has given her for the benefit of the group. Certain people will excel at honoring, at study, at prayer, at telling a good story. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how God provides women who are strong in areas where you are weak.
As an aside, you along with the pastors may decide that another woman is more gifted, or more available, than the Senior Pastor’s wife to lead women’s meetings. Every couple of years we evaluate ourselves and ask the guys to evaluate us and all we have accomplished. At CFC the Sr. Pastors wife currently is not leading the women, although she is significantly involved and rightly holds a strong sense of responsibility for them. I also remember a season when Nancy Loftiness led the pastors wives at CLC. Carolyn recognized in her a desire and a burden for the ladies. She loved the ideas Nancy had and thought they would benefit and be blessed by her care. There is freedom to celebrate each other’s gifts, and not to think we have to be everything to everyone.
TD: Do any other practical ideas come to mind?
KH: Gifts! Gifts are part of the fun category, and giving simple but thoughtful gifts communicates a lot when you are trying to build a relationship. I remember the first time I visited my friend Delaine Gamache whose husband pastors in Minneapolis. As we were leaving she gave me a beautiful piece of needlework that she had done. Every time I look at that I think of her. Regardless of what you give, whether it’s a magazine subscription, a new spatula from Williams Sonoma, or simply a $5 Starbucks card, I can assure you your thoughtfulness will be appreciated.
TD: I just used my pink spatula tonight. No kidding. I can remember all the little gifts we’ve been given over the years, and it’s become a fun tradition. One last question: do you have any words for the pastor’s wife who might be discouraged at the slowness of the team relationships?
KH: When you lead by example, encouraging affection and friendship among the wives, it not only binds us together, but it honors God, which is the most worthy goal. I would encourage you to be faithful, and trust God with the results. He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. (Eph 3:20)
