[If you’ve been with us for the past few weeks, you’ll know we’ve been discussing team building among pastors’ wives. We’ve heard from ladies in a large church, from a woman in a small younger church, and today we’ll be hearing from Mary Walsh, a pastor’s wife who wasn’t too keen on the idea of being one in the first place! God’s grace and Mary’s humility compose a story with a happy ending, so read on. Most of us will be able to find ourselves somewhere in her experiences. Thanks for sharing, Mary!].
Confessions of a Reluctant Pastor’s Wife
by Mary Walsh
God must have a sense of humor, because I never wanted to be a pastor’s wife, let alone lead other pastors’ wives. I did not marry a pastor. Why in the world did God call my husband to be one?! I cannot be a pastor’s wife! [insert audible gasp for air here!]
Let’s back up. In 1983, my husband and I connected with Sovereign Grace Ministries (known then as PDI). For the first time we heard teaching on the centrality of the church, serving, biblical roles of men and women, and parenting, and our lives began to greatly change. I saw, and personally benefited from Tony’s growth in servant leadership in our home and in the church. I came to love my role as a wife and mother and was happy where I was. I wasn’t prepared for Tony’s announcement that he felt called to ministry!
My perception of “good pastor’s wife” responsibilities intimidated me. I loved hospitality, decorating, and organizing events, and I didn’t even mind participating with Tony in some counseling situations. The idea of full-time ministry, however, seemed to bring out some of my worst fears, like being transparent with others, teaching publicly, or being responsible for other women. I didn’t feel I was capable or doctrinally strong enough to offer any kind of wisdom to others. I was totally locked in fear and pride. I did not want to look stupid in front of other women, especially other pastors’ wives. I was always comparing myself to them and falling short. I definitely did not have a vision for team building or what might be gained from a future friendship with these women.
In 1990 my greatest fears developed in real life! Tony went into full time ministry serving his brother Dan. I gladly served his wife, Cindy (with conditions, of course), helping out where needed. Even though this woman was my dear friend and sister-in-law, I still feared opening up to her. I did not have a clear conviction regarding true biblical fellowship at this point. In fact, I remember one time when Cindy and I were chatting on the phone. It must have seemed like I was opening the door for deeper fellowship, so Cindy graciously began sharing an observation she had, but she barely got her little hands on the window ledge when I slammed the window shut on her fingers. Window of observation shut! Poor Cindy. She’s glad to still have her fingers! And I am happy to say we are still dear friends! Whew!
Tony encouraged me that my primary role was as a wife and mother, but he also encouraged me to be a Titus 2 woman and to engage and share with the other women. Visiting with them was the easy part; as long as I didn’t have to do anything that made me feel uncomfortable.
In 1995, the Lord called us to El Paso, Texas, where Tony was going to be senior pastor. Here we go! Tony had the responsibility to build and care for a pastoral team, and I was expected to lead the wives. I was confidant God had gifted Tony to do this and was calling our family to El Paso. “No worries,” I told myself, “My duty is to be the best wife and mother I can be. It is Tony and the other elders’ job to lead the church.” My favorite motto was, “Get the men leading, and the women will follow”.
I served Tony by hosting dinners for the care group leaders and pastoral team. I loved having them in our home. We had at least one ladies event each year, but believe me, I did everything I could to avoid being the one doing the teaching. I enjoyed hanging out with the pastoral team wives, but our relationships were more superficial, and I avoided conflict or confrontation. I didn’t want to be spiritually responsible for our relationships, and I remained fearful of having my own sins exposed and weaknesses revealed.
Over the next few years, through conferences, study books, articles, and examples, our pastoral team began to grow in its understanding of the gospel, grace, the doctrine of sin, and—you guessed it—biblical fellowship. As a result of these teachings, we began to meet more often and experience a deeper level of fellowship. With Tony’s leadership and everyone’s encouragement, I started being more intentional with the ladies. Slowly, God helped me open that window with the other pastors’ wives and not catch any of the ladies’ fingers. However, after all that I had learned, there remained a subtle but lingering concern about my weaknesses and lack of gifting.
Surrender of a Pastor’s Wife
In 2001, we moved to Vancouver, British Columbia (that’s in Canada!) where Tony was to serve as senior pastor and assist Steve Shank in the developing North West Region.
In our first few years, I continually ran up against the same besetting sins. This often resulted in my lack of initiating with other women or being transparent. Again, I avoided speaking publically to the ladies at church. Deep down, I so wanted to get to the root of the sin in my heart and serve the ladies in Vancouver more effectively.
My sister in law, Mary Beth, recommended the book, Surrender, by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. God used this book to bring about a major breakthrough in my life. In her introduction (pg. 22), Nancy writes,
“It may be that even at this moment you are living in a chapter called “unsurrendered.” Oh, that may not describe your whole way of life—you can probably point to specific areas where you are obeying God. But could it be that there are some issues on which you are reserving the right to control your own life?”
Well, those words really jumped out from the page! God used her book to help me see my desire to control my life much more clearly.
I knew without a doubt that God had called my husband to ministry; therefore, God must have known what he was doing when I became Tony’s wife. I decided to surrender ALL of me to God, even what I feared the most. I had to accept that my weaknesses as well as my strengths were from Him. I surrendered to him my pride and fear of public speaking, and determined to become more transparent with the ladies God had placed in my life. As I started taking ownership of my role, our meetings became more consistent, we openly shared our personal struggles, and our relationships grew deeper. Praise God, there were wide-open windows! The other pastors’ wives, Cherry Sczebel and Julie Rawlings, said after this point there was an obvious change in my actions and spirit. What amazing grace!
Growing in Humility, Fellowship, and Serving as a Pastor’s Wife
After finishing the book, Surrender, I knew it was time to face my fears. I made a commitment to say, “Yes” to anything that God or Tony asked of me. I went to the Philippines with Tony and another couple; and not only was I speaking in public, but speaking with a translator! That same year, I had several other opportunities to speak to women of Sovereign Grace churches in the Pacific Northwest region. It’s not that public speaking got easier, but I’m no longer afraid. I just keep telling myself, I’m having coffee with the girls. My new motto is like Nike: Just Do It. It’s not about me, my fears, my pride; it’s about God’s glory.
I have a long way to go, but God has helped me to see my need for biblical fellowship and serving the pastoral team wives. God hasn’t gifted me or called me to serve alone. These last few years have been rich in friendship and filled with the joy of serving God with those I love dearly. I can’t say that I now love public speaking, but by God’s grace I can honestly say that I desire to grow in humility, genuine biblical fellowship, and in service to the church. I’m not the most gifted teacher, but if sharing from my life will help other women in the church grow in Christ, and grow in loving and being oriented to their husbands, children, and home, then I’m willing.
As pastoral team wives, we meet at least once or twice a month for fellowship and prayer. We’ve gone through books and articles, listened to teachings from other pastors and wives, asked each other hard questions and laughed, a lot. Now there is nothing but open windows! We love doing fun things together like going out for lunch, having tea, or walking in a quaint area called Fort Langley. The pastoral team also meets as couples once a month for dinner and fellowship. We’ve grown in being able to share our struggles, encourage one another, and even work through misunderstanding and conflict. I’m so thankful that God did not let my fear and pride prevent these wonderful experiences! I feel truly grateful for the friendships, and commitment we have to one another. We are all in different seasons of life and have different personalities, giftings, strengths, and weaknesses, but it’s a joy to serve God’s people together.
