“She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:12).
Here at the pastors’ wives blog, we want to spend a few weeks considering how to do our husbands good. I’ve been asked me to kick things off with an overview—which will be review for many. But some of the wisest pastors’ wives in Sovereign Grace will follow with tried and true advice. I can’t wait to hear from them!
This verse may be one of the most often overlooked of the well-studied Proverbs 31 passage. As pastors’ wives we’re so busy rising early to provide food and clothing for our family, extending our hand to the poor and needy in our church, trying to speak with wisdom and kindness, that “doing our husband good” may unintentionally fall to the back of the line. We need regular reminders to make this task one of our highest priorities.
So let’s take a closer look at this verse, beginning with the first part, one word at a time.
“SHE does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Prov. 31:12
Who is to bring my husband good? None other than me. I have been created, fashioned, designed to bring my husband—with all his strengths, flaws, talents and weaknesses—good.
“It is not good” said the Lord in Genesis 2:18 “that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (emphasis mine).
A helper “is one who supplies strength in the area that is lacking in the helped,” she is “fit for him” or as the ESV Study Bible puts it: “matching him.”
Each of us, no less than Eve, is made to match our husband.
We were created to supply strength in the precise areas of weakness, to bring happiness that counterbalances his sorrows, to help him carry his appointed burdens in life and ministry, and to complement his gifts in every way. We are, indeed, his perfect match.
Shakespeare echoes the sentiment of our Creator: “He is half part of a blessed man, left to be finished by such a she.”
Even though your husband might get wise counsel or critique from the other men on the pastoral team, receive encouragement from the congregation, have a capable administrative assistant, a supportive family, and godly friends who spur him on--he is still half part of a blessed man. You alone “fit him.” You alone have the unique ability to do him good.
“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband” says Charles Bridges: “she is his crown; his brightest ornament, drawing the eyes of all upon him, as eminently honored and blessed.”
But we don’t always feel like bright ornaments, do we? As pastors’ wives we are married to gifted men, who interact all day with other gifted pastors and spend hours studying God’s Word (in original Greek and Hebrew). We, on the other hand, interact all day with toddlers (or teenagers acting like toddlers!) and spend hours reading Cat in the Hat and Goodnight Moon (in original English).
It can be easy to think we have little to offer them in the way of wisdom, insight, counsel, or encouragement. We may assume they know more about God’s Word than we do or that the other guys on the team are better equipped to counsel them. We might even compare ourselves to other pastors’ wives and conclude we would be a better helper if only we were more like_____________.
This truth: that we alone have a unique ability to do him good should encourage us to fulfill our role in faith. We’ve been created to be a helper fit for him, so doing him good should receive our greatest attention and efforts. Charles Bridges describes the wife who takes this responsibility seriously:
“Her husband’s comfort is her interest and her rest. To live for him is her highest happiness. This course of disinterested regard and devoted affection, when conducted on Christian principles, commends most graciously the ‘holy and honorable estate of matrimony.”…No greater glory could be desired, than that which is given to it, that it should illustrate ‘the great mystery,’—‘Christ and his Church,” the identity of interest between the; her trials his; his cause hers.”Doing our husbands good is of great importance because it mirrors one half of that “identity of interest between Christ and the church.” We are to do our husbands good: not only for their sakes or to get something from them in return, but because we love our Savior. This responsibility is an honor because it is ultimately for Christ. And we can have confidence that God Himself will bless us as we seek to do our husbands good.
Our Savior is the one, after all, who transforms our motives from “I do me good” to “I do him good.” If it weren’t for God’s grace at work in our hearts, the only “good” we would do our husbands wouldn’t be good at all, but rather manipulation dressed up as goodness. He’s the one who gives us the desire and he will help us persevere in doing our husbands good.
“She DOES him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:12)
The Proverbs 31 woman is a woman of action. She isn’t simply a well-wisher of her husband’s happiness; she’s a doer of good to him. She brings him good, it says in the NIV. She delivers and supplies good to him. She does it.
It doesn’t say whether or not she feels like doing her husband good. In fact, feelings don’t enter into the matter. Not that feelings are irrelevant--if we lack desire to do our husband good, this needs to be investigated. Maybe bitterness has corroded our desire, laziness has dampened it, or busyness and selfishness have stifled it. If so, we must repent from sin and ask God to revive in our hearts a desire to do good to our husband.
But we must not wait for some lovey-dovey feeling or just the right time to do him good. Instead, as a step of repentance, we must act for our husband's good. This not only proves our desire for his happiness, but will fuel it as well.
“The…conclusive evidence of our wishing or willing to do good to another” wrote Jonathan Edwards, “is, to do it.” He goes on: “In every case nothing can be plainer, than that the proper and conclusive evidence of the will, is the act…for whatever we truly desire, we do thus seek.”
If we truly desire our husband's good, we’ll make specific efforts toward his happiness. We will not simply love him in word or tongue, “but in deed and truth” (1 John 3:18-19).
Maybe, like me, you are full of good intentions and resolutions but often come up empty on action. That’s when a plan can be helpful. Take a few minutes to think about your husband and ask yourself: “What is one way I can do him good and how can I make it happen?”
“She does HIM good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31:12
The object of this wife’s active do-gooding is her husband.
Obviously the Proverbs 31 woman does good to many people—her children, her servants, the poor and needy, the business community. But it seems clear from verse 12—and many other places in Scripture—that the primary priority of the virtuous woman is to do her husband good. He is to be the number one recipient of her efforts and energy.
As pastor’s wives it is so easy to get busy trying to do a lot of good for a lot of people—our children, the church, even the community. But if we don’t make doing good to our husband our highest priority, or if doing good to others hinders or significantly limits the good we can do our husband, we are not an authentic replica of the Proverbs 31 woman.
This truth helps simplify my priorities as a pastor’s wife. When I put my husband as the first priority (after my relationship with God, of course) it helps me determine what else is important and what is not.
Sad to say, I don’t always do this. Sometimes I am quick to meet my kid’s needs or to agree to serve someone in the church without considering whether or not it would serve my husband. But truth is, doing my husband good is actually one of the best ways to serve my children and my church!
Charles Spurgeon describes the excellent wife: “She asks not how her behavior may please a stranger, or how another’s judgment may approve her conduct; let her beloved be content and she is glad.”
Oh this is a good reminder for us as pastor’s wives! How often are we tempted to ask how another’s judgment may approve our conduct? We need God’s help to consistently make our husband’s good our first priority—no matter what others think.
“She does him GOOD, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31:12
We’ll spend the next few weeks considering ways that we can do our husbands good. In the meantime, why not ask your husband?
