Team Ministry: Confessions of a Reluctant Pastor's Wife

[If you’ve been with us for the past few weeks, you’ll know we’ve been discussing team building among pastors’ wives. We’ve heard from ladies in a large church, from a woman in a small younger church, and today we’ll be hearing from Mary Walsh, a pastor’s wife who wasn’t too keen on the idea of being one in the first place! God’s grace and Mary’s humility compose a story with a happy ending, so read on. Most of us will be able to find ourselves somewhere in her experiences. Thanks for sharing, Mary!].

Confessions of a Reluctant Pastor’s Wife

by Mary Walsh

God must have a sense of humor, because I never wanted to be a pastor’s wife, let alone lead other pastors’ wives. I did not marry a pastor. Why in the world did God call my husband to be one?! I cannot be a pastor’s wife! [insert audible gasp for air here!]

Let’s back up. In 1983, my husband and I connected with Sovereign Grace Ministries (known then as PDI). For the first time we heard teaching on the centrality of the church, serving, biblical roles of men and women, and parenting, and our lives began to greatly change. I saw, and personally benefited from Tony’s growth in servant leadership in our home and in the church. I came to love my role as a wife and mother and was happy where I was. I wasn’t prepared for Tony’s announcement that he felt called to ministry!

My perception of “good pastor’s wife” responsibilities intimidated me. I loved hospitality, decorating, and organizing events, and I didn’t even mind participating with Tony in some counseling situations. The idea of full-time ministry, however, seemed to bring out some of my worst fears, like being transparent with others, teaching publicly, or being responsible for other women. I didn’t feel I was capable or doctrinally strong enough to offer any kind of wisdom to others. I was totally locked in fear and pride. I did not want to look stupid in front of other women, especially other pastors’ wives. I was always comparing myself to them and falling short. I definitely did not have a vision for team building or what might be gained from a future friendship with these women.

In 1990 my greatest fears developed in real life! Tony went into full time ministry serving his brother Dan. I gladly served his wife, Cindy (with conditions, of course), helping out where needed. Even though this woman was my dear friend and sister-in-law, I still feared opening up to her. I did not have a clear conviction regarding true biblical fellowship at this point. In fact, I remember one time when Cindy and I were chatting on the phone. It must have seemed like I was opening the door for deeper fellowship, so Cindy graciously began sharing an observation she had, but she barely got her little hands on the window ledge when I slammed the window shut on her fingers. Window of observation shut! Poor Cindy. She’s glad to still have her fingers! And I am happy to say we are still dear friends! Whew!

Tony encouraged me that my primary role was as a wife and mother, but he also encouraged me to be a Titus 2 woman and to engage and share with the other women. Visiting with them was the easy part; as long as I didn’t have to do anything that made me feel uncomfortable.

In 1995, the Lord called us to El Paso, Texas, where Tony was going to be senior pastor. Here we go! Tony had the responsibility to build and care for a pastoral team, and I was expected to lead the wives. I was confidant God had gifted Tony to do this and was calling our family to El Paso. “No worries,” I told myself, “My duty is to be the best wife and mother I can be. It is Tony and the other elders’ job to lead the church.” My favorite motto was, “Get the men leading, and the women will follow”.

I served Tony by hosting dinners for the care group leaders and pastoral team. I loved having them in our home. We had at least one ladies event each year, but believe me, I did everything I could to avoid being the one doing the teaching. I enjoyed hanging out with the pastoral team wives, but our relationships were more superficial, and I avoided conflict or confrontation. I didn’t want to be spiritually responsible for our relationships, and I remained fearful of having my own sins exposed and weaknesses revealed.

Over the next few years, through conferences, study books, articles, and examples, our pastoral team began to grow in its understanding of the gospel, grace, the doctrine of sin, and—you guessed it—biblical fellowship. As a result of these teachings, we began to meet more often and experience a deeper level of fellowship. With Tony’s leadership and everyone’s encouragement, I started being more intentional with the ladies. Slowly, God helped me open that window with the other pastors’ wives and not catch any of the ladies’ fingers. However, after all that I had learned, there remained a subtle but lingering concern about my weaknesses and lack of gifting.

Surrender of a Pastor’s Wife

In 2001, we moved to Vancouver, British Columbia (that’s in Canada!) where Tony was to serve as senior pastor and assist Steve Shank in the developing North West Region.

In our first few years, I continually ran up against the same besetting sins. This often resulted in my lack of initiating with other women or being transparent. Again, I avoided speaking publically to the ladies at church. Deep down, I so wanted to get to the root of the sin in my heart and serve the ladies in Vancouver more effectively.

My sister in law, Mary Beth, recommended the book, Surrender, by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. God used this book to bring about a major breakthrough in my life. In her introduction (pg. 22), Nancy writes,

“It may be that even at this moment you are living in a chapter called “unsurrendered.” Oh, that may not describe your whole way of life—you can probably point to specific areas where you are obeying God. But could it be that there are some issues on which you are reserving the right to control your own life?”

Well, those words really jumped out from the page! God used her book to help me see my desire to control my life much more clearly.

I knew without a doubt that God had called my husband to ministry; therefore, God must have known what he was doing when I became Tony’s wife. I decided to surrender ALL of me to God, even what I feared the most. I had to accept that my weaknesses as well as my strengths were from Him. I surrendered to him my pride and fear of public speaking, and determined to become more transparent with the ladies God had placed in my life. As I started taking ownership of my role, our meetings became more consistent, we openly shared our personal struggles, and our relationships grew deeper. Praise God, there were wide-open windows! The other pastors’ wives, Cherry Sczebel and Julie Rawlings, said after this point there was an obvious change in my actions and spirit. What amazing grace!

Growing in Humility, Fellowship, and Serving as a Pastor’s Wife

After finishing the book, Surrender, I knew it was time to face my fears. I made a commitment to say, “Yes” to anything that God or Tony asked of me. I went to the Philippines with Tony and another couple; and not only was I speaking in public, but speaking with a translator! That same year, I had several other opportunities to speak to women of Sovereign Grace churches in the Pacific Northwest region. It’s not that public speaking got easier, but I’m no longer afraid. I just keep telling myself, I’m having coffee with the girls. My new motto is like Nike: Just Do It. It’s not about me, my fears, my pride; it’s about God’s glory.

I have a long way to go, but God has helped me to see my need for biblical fellowship and serving the pastoral team wives. God hasn’t gifted me or called me to serve alone. These last few years have been rich in friendship and filled with the joy of serving God with those I love dearly. I can’t say that I now love public speaking, but by God’s grace I can honestly say that I desire to grow in humility, genuine biblical fellowship, and in service to the church. I’m not the most gifted teacher, but if sharing from my life will help other women in the church grow in Christ, and grow in loving and being oriented to their husbands, children, and home, then I’m willing.

As pastoral team wives, we meet at least once or twice a month for fellowship and prayer. We’ve gone through books and articles, listened to teachings from other pastors and wives, asked each other hard questions and laughed, a lot. Now there is nothing but open windows! We love doing fun things together like going out for lunch, having tea, or walking in a quaint area called Fort Langley. The pastoral team also meets as couples once a month for dinner and fellowship. We’ve grown in being able to share our struggles, encourage one another, and even work through misunderstanding and conflict. I’m so thankful that God did not let my fear and pride prevent these wonderful experiences! I feel truly grateful for the friendships, and commitment we have to one another. We are all in different seasons of life and have different personalities, giftings, strengths, and weaknesses, but it’s a joy to serve God’s people together.

Building Team Friendships Without a Pastoral Team

by Shannon Eder

If you’ve been following the blog the last two weeks, you know we’ve been discussing the topic of team friendships, particularly between the wives. It’s been great, and Kimm asked me to share my thoughts on how to implement those principles when you don’t have a pastoral team at your church yet, which I’m happy to do.

I’ll start by giving a quick background. My husband, CB, and I were members at Covenant Fellowship church as singles. CB went to the Pastor’s College in 1997 and we were married July of 1998, about a month after he began an internship at Cherry Hill, NJ. We were there for 3 years before we planted a church near Reading, PA. During those years, I heard wonderful teaching on team building and biblical friendships. We had a small (but mighty) church planting team. We barely knew most of the people on our team. Some we didn’t know at all. Questions flooded my head anytime team building was discussed. What are we supposed to do—we are all alone! Are we ever going to have close friends again? CB and I prayed and talked a lot about this area. God has been very kind to guide us over the years. We have definitely not arrived in this area…in fact we are still learning. I do not have a formula that will miraculously fill the pastoral team void, but I can share some things that God showed CB and me through prayer and counsel form other seasoned church planters.

1. Vision to Build Locally

One of the biggest things God did was in our hearts. He gave us a vision to build biblical friendships locally. We are blessed to be within 1.5 driving hours of a few Sovereign Grace Churches. There was a temptation to fill the pastoral team void with other pastors and their wives from these churches. We did get together with them occasionally. However, God placed a heavy burden on our hearts that we needed to have biblical fellowship as a priority for the church as a whole and we needed to build with the precious people God sovereignly placed alongside us locally.

2. Initiate, Initiate, Initiate

Before we could ever build with a pastoral team, biblical fellowship had to be built into the church as a whole. And if all that we were taught was ever going to happen it had to begin with us. God helped our focus to be on reaching out and initiating fellowship. For us, CB began building with a few couples who eventually became our care group leaders. Most of these men were on an advisory team that helped CB with things like the church budget. We met monthly as couples. CB also had a monthly discipleship groups with new couples coming into the church. This was another way we got to know people. It eventually became clear that we also needed to initiate deeper friendships—especially me. CB had more opportunity to meet with men one on one and he wanted to clear the way for me to begin building “team-like friendships”. We prayed for direction and God brought 3 ladies to mind that CB thought it would be wonderful for me to go deeper with. One of the ladies was a care group leader’s wife and the other two were from the discipleship group. CB sets aside evenings for me to get one on one time with these ladies as our schedules allowed.

3. Model “Soul Bearing”

Not only did we need to be persistent in reaching out to others, God also helped CB and I to see that we needed to be an example of the friendships we were longing to have. CB had a burden for us as a couple. He wanted us to lead the way in taking conversations to a deeper level. Most of the people on our church planting team were in new waters when it came to biblical fellowship. Along with going through various materials in our meetings, CB and I would regularly seek to confess sin and talk about the work our precious Jesus was doing in our lives. This was not always easy. We have many funny stories related to this where we felt like we laid our souls bare and confessed sin only to have a group of people staring at us like we had six heads, not quite sure what to make of us. Biblical care was not reciprocated for quite some time. We had moments of loneliness wondering if we were ever going to have close friends again. I wanted to throw the towel in a few times and just keep conversations easy and fun. Building a foundation like this is important to God, so it needs to be important to me no matter how hard. God gives the grace to persevere.

4. Patience

This leads me to the last thing that God in his kindness helped CB and I with: patience. All of us are in a process. We might not be in our ideal situation (do they even exist?). There may not be a pastoral team to build with yet, but there are godly ladies in our churches that God placed there for us to build with. Lord willing, there will be a pastoral team. God will be faithful to provide whatever it is we need. We are not in a holding pattern until a pastor’s wife comes alongside of us. We can have rich biblical fellowship in our local churches.

In 2008, we became a team after six years of being alone. Kelly and I have a monthly breakfast meeting together. We haven’t done anything really structured yet. I eat my bagel and she eats her power breakfast sandwich (still not quite sure what that is) and we share our souls with one another. We laugh and sometimes cry. We confess sin. We laugh some more. We marvel together that Jesus died to save us. She helps me see life differently. She helps me see sin in my heart. She points me to God when I am struggling with being distracted by other things. In many ways it feels like a continuation of what was already being built at the very beginning of the church. God has been so kind and merciful to me, and he promises to be that for you as well!

The Surprising Joy of Team Friendships: An Interview with Kimm Harvey, Part 2

By Trish Donahue

Back for part two? Oh, good. Last week I think you were eating your Kashi, but now, one more week into January, I bet the resolutions have slackened and you’re supplementing your cereal with a bite of your son’s pop-tart. Am I good or what?

Anyway, speaking of food (again), once in a while, when my husband is away, we have “kid dinner.” My kids love it, and I confess that I do too. It’s usually something ridiculously quick and generally unhealthy (read hot dogs). Making “kid dinner” every night would be really easy and efficient—one dirty pan and a two second prep time.

But sometimes other values trump ease and efficiency; for instance, nutrition, presentation, variety, and the well-being of my family. Even though it takes more effort, it’s worth it to make meals that are good for us.

Our relationships with the other pastors’ wives are similar. Ease and efficiency tell us we don’t have time to invest in relationships that seem like extra work. After all, these are not relationships we chose—they were chosen for us. We’ll just enjoy the ones that come more naturally. But again, sometimes other values trump ease and efficiency. There is so much more to be enjoyed!

Last week, we talked with Kimm about why we should invest our efforts into building friendships with the other wives; today we’ll continue the conversation with a look at how. We may recognize the importance of building these friendships, but how in the world do we do it? Where do we start?

Do you remember last week’s little pep talk before we knocked on Kimm’s door? Well, here’s another quick one for all you over-achievers: We don’t have to implement all of these ideas right now. Isn’t that great? Let’s ask the Lord to reveal his will to us as we jump back into this topic.

Okay, it’s cold out here. Let’s go in.

TD: All-right Kimm, inquiring minds want to know. How do we begin pursuing close friendships among team wives? What’s the 12-step program?

KH: I’ll start off with the two step program. The first step is to have a conversation with the Lord. Ask God for wisdom, for vision, for good ideas and lots of love. Ask him to show you what he holds out for you in light of this conversation. He alone can give us the grace we need to live for him. The second step is to have a conversation with your husband. He needs to lead you in this, and direct you in what part you are to play.

TD: Have there been particular ideas that you and Dave have found helpful as you’ve built this value into the ladies?

KH: I remember when we first started. God helped me to say to the other wives, “I’m throwing myself in. We’re in this together, and by God’s grace I’m going to pursue you actively and purposefully. I don’t know what it’s going to look like, but I know God has good things for us.” I meant it. I really didn’t know what it would look like or what they would think of me; in fact, I barely knew some of them, yet I was confident this was what God wanted us to pursue. The direction God provided was something called fellowship groups. These groups have been integral to the closeness we experience. We meet monthly in small groups to encourage one another, celebrate God’s grace in our lives, ask for help in areas that we feel we need to grow in and especially drink good coffee! Some of us even meet with our husbands beforehand and make sure we know what God is calling us to confess or share. Vulnerability is like glue. These groups brought us closer than we ever were before.

TD: I agree. Those groups are very helpful. I’ve also considered the retreats we’ve taken as wives a valuable investment in our friendships, and you’ve done a great job in creating an environment of fun and friendship. Can you tell us how you think through those retreats?

KH: We try to go away for two to three days every year as the budget allows, and it really does build closeness among the ladies(some years we have just done day trips or an afternoon event). We usually try to keep four components in mind when planning: teaching, worship and prayer, sharing evidences of grace and current struggles, and fun.

Regarding teaching, one of the pastors will sometimes join us for the day and share a message that relates to our roles and responsibilities, or sometimes one of the wives will prepare a short teaching. We also encourage all the ladies to come prepared to share something they’ve gleaned over the last year.

Coming before the Lord together in a time of prayer and worship reminds us that this church is not about us and our little preferences, but about our beautiful Savior and his will for us. We want to offer ourselves to him to use as he chooses.

By sharing evidences of grace, I mean highlighting the growth and grace we see in each other. God is changing us, and sometimes we need others to show us that. But sharing struggles and sins is an important aspect as well, and it doesn’t have to be discouraging. I remember a season where everyone was praying for me in the area of self-righteousness, and although it was difficult, it was a grace-filled experience that yielded fruit in my life. I remember other seasons of praying for someone to conceive, or for someone to conquer their struggle with discontentment. When you have shared your weaknesses together, made yourselves vulnerable, and availed yourself to the activity of the Holy Spirit, you are instantly drawn together. We often encourage a particular woman as well on those retreats. In my experience, when you take time to think about what you love about someone, you will find your heart warming towards them.

And fun is a non-negotiable in our gang. Fellowship doesn’t have to always be a sober business. We’ve made memories together that will last a lifetime, and when you’ve done silly things—true girlfriend things—with someone and feel comfortable, it’s easier to trust them in matters of the heart. We have laughed at ourselves and at each other—okay, a few of us mostly laugh at each other. I can’t promise that will ever change!

TD: Off the top of my head, I’m remembering manicures complete with voting systems over what color to choose, shopping trips with a small cash gift and spending stipulations, the trip to the corner drug store with a lesson on the proper application of lipstick, and lots of yummy food, laughter, and story-telling. These have all become a part of who we are and what we’ve shared together. But do you need a certain personality to carry it off?

KH: Not at all. Everyone is different. If you find yourself leading the wives on the team, get to know each one and their strengths and potential. Then find ways to draw those strengths out, allowing each woman to use the gifts God has given her for the benefit of the group. Certain people will excel at honoring, at study, at prayer, at telling a good story. You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how God provides women who are strong in areas where you are weak.

As an aside, you along with the pastors may decide that another woman is more gifted, or more available, than the Senior Pastor’s wife to lead women’s meetings. Every couple of years we evaluate ourselves and ask the guys to evaluate us and all we have accomplished. At CFC the Sr. Pastors wife currently is not leading the women, although she is significantly involved and rightly holds a strong sense of responsibility for them. I also remember a season when Nancy Loftiness led the pastors wives at CLC. Carolyn recognized in her a desire and a burden for the ladies. She loved the ideas Nancy had and thought they would benefit and be blessed by her care. There is freedom to celebrate each other’s gifts, and not to think we have to be everything to everyone.

TD: Do any other practical ideas come to mind?

KH: Gifts! Gifts are part of the fun category, and giving simple but thoughtful gifts communicates a lot when you are trying to build a relationship. I remember the first time I visited my friend Delaine Gamache whose husband pastors in Minneapolis. As we were leaving she gave me a beautiful piece of needlework that she had done. Every time I look at that I think of her. Regardless of what you give, whether it’s a magazine subscription, a new spatula from Williams Sonoma, or simply a $5 Starbucks card, I can assure you your thoughtfulness will be appreciated.

TD: I just used my pink spatula tonight. No kidding. I can remember all the little gifts we’ve been given over the years, and it’s become a fun tradition. One last question: do you have any words for the pastor’s wife who might be discouraged at the slowness of the team relationships?

KH: When you lead by example, encouraging affection and friendship among the wives, it not only binds us together, but it honors God, which is the most worthy goal. I would encourage you to be faithful, and trust God with the results. He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. (Eph 3:20)

The Surprising Joy of Team Friendships: An Interview with Kimm Harvey, Part 1

by Trish Donahue

Good morning ladies! I hope coffee is perking as you open today’s blog. I’m guessing, since it’s after the holidays, that you’re eating your Kashi instead of the chocolate doughnut you really want, but whatever it is, enjoy!

Speaking of chocolate, we’re not sure if it was the reference to chocolate fondue, the proper wearing of Spanx, or friendship between team wives that made Kimm Harvey’s recent blog [LINK] so popular, but you let us know you were interested and we wanted to respond.

Beginning with the first issue, there are lots of delectable fondue recipes on the internet. As for the Spanx, well, we don’t recommend the internet for that one, but find a good girlfriend who loves to laugh and hit the stores.

The last topic, friendship between team wives, is actually something we can tackle here on the blog, and something we love to discuss. As a pastor’s wife at Covenant Fellowship Church, I can vouch for the fact that our time at The Melting Pot was sweet and that it did reflect the ease of friendship we enjoy. But that hasn’t always come naturally—our sins ensure that. And yet God has called us, as He’s called you and the wives on your team, to love one another deeply and pursue true friendship for his glory.

So today, the first of three entries on the topic, we’ll tackle the why question with Kimm: Why is it so important to pursue these friendships? Next week, we’ll hit the how question: How do I practically begin? And the third and fourth weeks we’ll hear from one lady who is applying these principles even though her husband is pastoring alone and one whose life has been transformed through cultivating team relationships. So stick around--there should be something for everyone.

Now Kimm’s the most down-to-earth, unassuming person I know, but before we knock on her front door, let me level with you. Sometimes when I’m feeling weak in an area, a description of someone else’s strengths and successes does not produce the eager, joyful response it should—even if they’re presenting it humbly. As a matter of fact, sometimes a low rumbling of resentment begins in my heart. Discouragement and envy murmur, “Are we hearing this again?” “Everything they do sounds perfect.” “I could never be like that!” And that’s all taking place during a very impressive smile and nod. We’re probably all familiar with these temptations, so let’s together fight them off and jump into these next few blogs with hearts of faith, remembering that our Father knows every detail of our situations and capacities, of our dreams and fears, of our successes and failures. He is a God of hope who has great blessings in store for us. But sometimes he calls us to step out to receive them.

Okay, we’ve prepped--I think we’re ready for the visit now. I’ll take the easy job of asking and give Kimm the more difficult job of answering.

TD: Kimm, when did this value of friendship between the pastors’ wives really come alive for you?

KH: I remember the moment clearly even though it was many years ago. At that point I had some wonderful friends who were very similar to me. We had our kids together, called each other with every funny story, and knew each other’s kitchen cabinets like our own. There was a component of biblical fellowship in our friendship, but it wasn’t a primary goal.

God used a conversation with the Mahaneys to show me that according to scripture, glorifying God and growing spiritually are the true goals of relationships, and the experience of friendship is the sweet fruit of that. I had it backwards: I had lived as if friendship and fun were the goal; if growth also happened, then great, that was a bonus.

But I saw something. My current friendships were gifts from God given to enjoy, but they could not displace my calling to build with the pastors’ wives. I had to come to terms with the fact that my husband’s calling defined, at least in some way, the field of my relationships. And as I applied myself there, these relationships ended up becoming very dear to me, and beneficial in countless ways.

TD: What is unique about friendships among team wives?

KH: As pastors’ wives, we’ve been given a privileged role. Think about it…we live under the same roof with someone who is called to build the church with a team of other men. Their relationships become the model for what the church can be. That means my friendship with the other pastors’ wives helps facilitate the strength and unity of that team. We support their mission as we build together. We’re part of the glue that holds them together. If they are encountering problems with one another, we can encourage them to stay in the ring. Not to mention, our husbands are often away at the same times, so it’s easy to get together!

TD: You’ve had the opportunity to travel with Dave to many churches. What has that broad perspective shown you about how team relationships affect the church?

KH: I’ve relished the opportunities to sit over coffee and chat with the pastors’ wives of our churches. I’ve learned a lot from them, but I’ve also noticed something. There seems to be a correlation between strong team relationships and strong churches. That’s not profound, but it is very important. While we’re juggling the laundry, the calendar, the math homework, the dinner menu, we’re not often contemplating the contribution our lives and friendships make to the church, but you know what? It really makes a difference.

Here’s another thought: friendships between the wives seem to help guard against pettiness, team strife, and bitterness. If the wives have a robust, healthy, biblical friendship, it protects the integrity of the counsel and influence we give our husbands. We’re quicker to think the best of another couple or wife on the team when we know and love them. It’s easier to understand them, to interpret their comments, to sympathize with their weaknesses. And that can become pretty important when things aren’t going well.

TD: You’re right—so many churches have imploded for exactly those reasons. It’s faith-building to see that our relationships with other women can help prevent that.

KH: Yes, and the pursuit of friendship between the wives also serves as an example to the church. We’re asking our members to embrace fellowship with people in their community groups, whether it’s easy or not. We don’t say, “Only build in the community group if you like their personality!” No, we say “Our Sovereign God has united you with this group in this season. Now go and apply God’s word to love one another, serve one another, greet one another, show hospitality, etc.” If the women of the church are being asked to do this, why wouldn’t we seek to do it as well?

TD: Let me pick up on that a bit. What if the wives of the pastoral team just don’t click? What if friendship doesn’t come easily?

KH: Where does it say friendships come easy? That’s a cultural myth. Just like any relationship (parents, husband, kids), friendships require work. And similar to marriage, God seems to delight in connecting us with people who will help us grow.

The truth is we all love to be around people like ourselves. We want things to “click” like you say. We want it to be easy. And let’s thank God for friends he’s provided like that. But when we see friendship as an opportunity to encourage one another towards glorifying God, then suddenly, commonalities aren’t as important anymore. In fact, diversity is sometimes a bigger help! We need people who see things differently, and live life differently; people who love us, but don’t necessarily agree with us about everything! I can think of many ladies on our team who wouldn’t be “natural” friends, but who I couldn’t live without. Their friendship and perspective and wisdom have helped me immeasurably. You won’t always see this at first, but press into the ladies on your team, and I promise you fruit will come.

TD: You’ve been a Senior Pastor’s wife for about 20 years. Do you have any thoughts specifically for other ladies in that role?

KH: I just want to encourage them in the opportunity God has given them. Ladies, the other pastors’ wives will follow your example. If you press into them, pursuing their friendship, preferring them, looking for ways to bless and encourage them, a bond will begin to grow. Even if you don’t feel gifted to lead an official women’s ministry, you may still need to feel some ownership in connecting the ladies. I’m not talking about preparing messages and organizing big events. I’m saying perk some coffee, pop some popcorn, and throw open your house. But if you’re a pastor’s or leader’s wife whose senior pastor’s wife is just finding her way, make sure she feels your encouragement and not your expectations. Every senior pastor’s wife has to be led by her husband into an evaluation of what she can legitimately give in each season of her life.

TD: One last very real question for you Kimm. How would you respond to someone who might read this and say, “That’s easy for you with your big team of ladies who’ve lived these values for years, but you should see our group!”

KH: (Laughing) I would encourage them with a picture of us in the early years. We weren’t the epitome of maturity then, and we aren’t now. We’ve had conflicts, misunderstandings, confessions, and even tears at times throughout the years. But by God’s grace, we’ve grown, and we’ve helped each other grow, and we love each other and this church more than we ever have. So I would say, do you desire deeper relationships with the other ladies? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Take a step…I think you’ll be surprised at what God can do!