Hey, where did all the fun stuff go? This sounds serious and difficult! We know, we have been there. Criticism and correction are words that can strike fear and anxiety in even mature believers. Yet this doesn't have to be the case. These special seasons from God are intended to be a channel of His gracious love and produce fruit in our lives to the glory of His name. We know this from God's Word as Hebrews 12: 5-6 clearly states: "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, not be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives." Often God's reproving and discipline come in the form of correction and criticism. We have the privilege of helping our husband hear and see the love, grace and purpose of God in these seasons and to extract all he can from them for his good and God's glory.
CJ and Carolyn Mahaney have faced this in their marriage and offer helpful insights in this interview they conducted to a group of pastor's college students and wives. Please take a few moments to read and benefit from the grace and wisdom they share, thus being better equipped to help your husband during these seasons.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
She Does Him Good: Stay Close to Him
by Janis Shank
Genesis 2:18 “It is not good for man to be alone...”
I am not sure singer Jack Johnson had this verse in mind when he composed...“It’s always better when we’re together...”, a catchy tune that has a way of replaying in one’s mind long after the song is over. But he is right (check it out if you’ve never heard the song Better Together, it's cute)
It was God who composed the first “better together”. Here is the sequence. Man is created and declared “very good”. Man is alone and it is declared “not good”. God then creates another being, a helper, from his rib to be like him, as the solution for the “not good”. Thus began togetherness, companionship and oneness between man and woman as God’s design for marriage. As my husband’s helper, how can I cultivate this “good”? These thoughts are far from an exhaustive survey of this verse and the purpose of marriage, but are only intended to encourage and inspire your own thinking. I offer two helpful reminders.
Hold him close in heart attitudes and thoughts. Review over and over our love, admiration, esteem, respect and the honor it is to be his wife. I find cultivating this togetherness in thought makes me long for his company, whether in the busyness of life or sharing a quiet moment. This often leads to intoxication (see last week) and this makes my husband happy! I also find this a helpful antidote to critical thoughts, which can be a temptation and an enemy of togetherness. Following the wisdom in Philippians 4:8; “whatever is honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable, excellent, worthy of praise...think about these things”, results in togetherness!
Move toward him, joining and supporting him each day. This can be as simple as asking how his sermon preparation is coming along, or how he has experienced the Lord on a given day. It my mean reviewing his preferences or discovering how the demands of family and ministry are affecting him. Finding a way to practically serve him may be needed. Encouragement, a topic worth its own post, is always a way to support him. Find all the ways you can to put those “together thoughts” you are thinking into action! Being at his side through all the seasons of life, and finding it to be the best place to be, is a source of true companionship and honoring to God in the calling for which we were created!
If alone is “not good” and “together is better”, let’s look for as many ways as we can to cultivate this simple good!
Monday, February 8, 2010
She Does Him Good: Intoxicate Him
By Janis Shank
Now that I’ve got your attention, let me explain. In light of Valentine's Day and the season of celebrating love, we thought we would take a few weeks to focus on loving our husbands in some key areas. Nicole Whitacre did a great job last week setting the stage for this series by reminding us from Proverbs 31 “she...does...him...good”. I found these reminders excellent and convicting! This week we are going talk about “doing him good” through the pursuit of romance (just in time for Valentine’s Day)! We know you are pastor’s wives and are well taught in these areas, but who doesn’t need reminders and refreshment along the way? I know I do!
“Let your fountain be blessed and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely dear, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always with her love.” (Proverbs 5: 18-19)
I am always amazed at God’s beautiful description of marital intimacy in this passage. Better than Shakespeare, don’t you think? On a recent personal retreat I set aside time to examine this and to ask myself: “how can I grow in being this source of delight to my husband?” God was kind to me and I came away with specific things to apply.
Before we go any further let me address a common temptation. This is meant to be encouraging, not condemning! Perhaps you are a busy mom with a newborn and your body and emotions are in flux, or you have multiple little ones, or you are dealing with hormone changes on the other end of the life cycle. Or, if you are like me, you have been through a difficult season, you know, the “trials of many kinds” season, and romance hasn’t been at the top of your list. Wherever you find yourself as you read this post, promise me you won’t be condemned. Let’s view this area through the lens of glorifying God, after all, these are His Words and His idea and He is our source of grace and strength (and creativity)! Here are a few thoughts I have recently been reminded of and convicted by from this passage:
I am the wife of his youth. I am the specific one God has given to my husband. That means God intends me to be this source of blessing, rejoicing and “good”! I am freshly inspired by the privilege and responsibility. As God gives good gifts for His desired ends, I want to make sure I am embracing this calling to sexually delight my husband. It is God’s will that this be exclusively my joy throughout our days together. Considering the reputation of the gospel, the reality of indwelling sin, and the overtly sensual culture in which we live, I take this very seriously.
I am to fill him with delight and intoxicate him with my love. These words illustrate that I am to be fully engaged and participating in this joyful love. I especially love how the ESV study Bible footnote gives this more meaning, (Regarding “be intoxicated,” Hebrew “be led astray”-in the sense of being “swept away” with delight in one’s wife”) I love this, I am to “sweep him away” with my love” How fun! This also serves as a protection for him from being led away by the forbidden woman that Proverbs so often warns about. I want to be regularly “sweeping him away” with my love! Acting on this idea, I recently took the time to plan one date night for each month of this year and let my husband know that he will be periodically “swept off his feet”! The smile on his face was priceless!
I am to intoxicate my husband “at all times” and “always”. Whoa, slow down a bit! What about the kids...and the house...my health...and the sermon he needs to preach on Sunday...! All this means is that I want to have an “open” sign hanging over all my interactions with my husband. Sharron, a dear friend of mine, described having a “Yes, lets!” attitude of heart. I want my husband to know “I am all yours” everyday, that I am a willing and available participant in intoxicating love. Not everyday holds this celebration, but I want my heart to be there nonetheless. I know this is a process for some of us, especially given the changing seasons of our lives, yet we can cultivate this eager heart right where we are. Good news...this is fun! Try it, you’ll like it!
Won’t you join me this week in asking: “how can I grow in being a source of delight to my husband?”
Beware, you may find yourself intoxicated!
Monday, February 1, 2010
She Does Him Good
by Nicole Whitacre
“She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:12).
Here at the pastors’ wives blog, we want to spend a few weeks considering how to do our husbands good. I’ve been asked me to kick things off with an overview—which will be review for many. But some of the wisest pastors’ wives in Sovereign Grace will follow with tried and true advice. I can’t wait to hear from them!
This verse may be one of the most often overlooked of the well-studied Proverbs 31 passage. As pastors’ wives we’re so busy rising early to provide food and clothing for our family, extending our hand to the poor and needy in our church, trying to speak with wisdom and kindness, that “doing our husband good” may unintentionally fall to the back of the line. We need regular reminders to make this task one of our highest priorities.
So let’s take a closer look at this verse, beginning with the first part, one word at a time.
“SHE does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Prov. 31:12
Who is to bring my husband good? None other than me. I have been created, fashioned, designed to bring my husband—with all his strengths, flaws, talents and weaknesses—good.
“It is not good” said the Lord in Genesis 2:18 “that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (emphasis mine).
A helper “is one who supplies strength in the area that is lacking in the helped,” she is “fit for him” or as the ESV Study Bible puts it: “matching him.”
Each of us, no less than Eve, is made to match our husband.
We were created to supply strength in the precise areas of weakness, to bring happiness that counterbalances his sorrows, to help him carry his appointed burdens in life and ministry, and to complement his gifts in every way. We are, indeed, his perfect match.
Shakespeare echoes the sentiment of our Creator: “He is half part of a blessed man, left to be finished by such a she.”
Even though your husband might get wise counsel or critique from the other men on the pastoral team, receive encouragement from the congregation, have a capable administrative assistant, a supportive family, and godly friends who spur him on--he is still half part of a blessed man. You alone “fit him.” You alone have the unique ability to do him good.
“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband” says Charles Bridges: “she is his crown; his brightest ornament, drawing the eyes of all upon him, as eminently honored and blessed.”
But we don’t always feel like bright ornaments, do we? As pastors’ wives we are married to gifted men, who interact all day with other gifted pastors and spend hours studying God’s Word (in original Greek and Hebrew). We, on the other hand, interact all day with toddlers (or teenagers acting like toddlers!) and spend hours reading Cat in the Hat and Goodnight Moon (in original English).
It can be easy to think we have little to offer them in the way of wisdom, insight, counsel, or encouragement. We may assume they know more about God’s Word than we do or that the other guys on the team are better equipped to counsel them. We might even compare ourselves to other pastors’ wives and conclude we would be a better helper if only we were more like_____________.
This truth: that we alone have a unique ability to do him good should encourage us to fulfill our role in faith. We’ve been created to be a helper fit for him, so doing him good should receive our greatest attention and efforts. Charles Bridges describes the wife who takes this responsibility seriously:
Our Savior is the one, after all, who transforms our motives from “I do me good” to “I do him good.” If it weren’t for God’s grace at work in our hearts, the only “good” we would do our husbands wouldn’t be good at all, but rather manipulation dressed up as goodness. He’s the one who gives us the desire and he will help us persevere in doing our husbands good.
“She DOES him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:12)
The Proverbs 31 woman is a woman of action. She isn’t simply a well-wisher of her husband’s happiness; she’s a doer of good to him. She brings him good, it says in the NIV. She delivers and supplies good to him. She does it.
It doesn’t say whether or not she feels like doing her husband good. In fact, feelings don’t enter into the matter. Not that feelings are irrelevant--if we lack desire to do our husband good, this needs to be investigated. Maybe bitterness has corroded our desire, laziness has dampened it, or busyness and selfishness have stifled it. If so, we must repent from sin and ask God to revive in our hearts a desire to do good to our husband.
But we must not wait for some lovey-dovey feeling or just the right time to do him good. Instead, as a step of repentance, we must act for our husband's good. This not only proves our desire for his happiness, but will fuel it as well.
“The…conclusive evidence of our wishing or willing to do good to another” wrote Jonathan Edwards, “is, to do it.” He goes on: “In every case nothing can be plainer, than that the proper and conclusive evidence of the will, is the act…for whatever we truly desire, we do thus seek.”
If we truly desire our husband's good, we’ll make specific efforts toward his happiness. We will not simply love him in word or tongue, “but in deed and truth” (1 John 3:18-19).
Maybe, like me, you are full of good intentions and resolutions but often come up empty on action. That’s when a plan can be helpful. Take a few minutes to think about your husband and ask yourself: “What is one way I can do him good and how can I make it happen?”
“She does HIM good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31:12
The object of this wife’s active do-gooding is her husband.
Obviously the Proverbs 31 woman does good to many people—her children, her servants, the poor and needy, the business community. But it seems clear from verse 12—and many other places in Scripture—that the primary priority of the virtuous woman is to do her husband good. He is to be the number one recipient of her efforts and energy.
As pastor’s wives it is so easy to get busy trying to do a lot of good for a lot of people—our children, the church, even the community. But if we don’t make doing good to our husband our highest priority, or if doing good to others hinders or significantly limits the good we can do our husband, we are not an authentic replica of the Proverbs 31 woman.
This truth helps simplify my priorities as a pastor’s wife. When I put my husband as the first priority (after my relationship with God, of course) it helps me determine what else is important and what is not.
Sad to say, I don’t always do this. Sometimes I am quick to meet my kid’s needs or to agree to serve someone in the church without considering whether or not it would serve my husband. But truth is, doing my husband good is actually one of the best ways to serve my children and my church!
Charles Spurgeon describes the excellent wife: “She asks not how her behavior may please a stranger, or how another’s judgment may approve her conduct; let her beloved be content and she is glad.”
Oh this is a good reminder for us as pastor’s wives! How often are we tempted to ask how another’s judgment may approve our conduct? We need God’s help to consistently make our husband’s good our first priority—no matter what others think.
“She does him GOOD, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31:12
We’ll spend the next few weeks considering ways that we can do our husbands good. In the meantime, why not ask your husband?
“She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life” (Proverbs 31:12).
Here at the pastors’ wives blog, we want to spend a few weeks considering how to do our husbands good. I’ve been asked me to kick things off with an overview—which will be review for many. But some of the wisest pastors’ wives in Sovereign Grace will follow with tried and true advice. I can’t wait to hear from them!
This verse may be one of the most often overlooked of the well-studied Proverbs 31 passage. As pastors’ wives we’re so busy rising early to provide food and clothing for our family, extending our hand to the poor and needy in our church, trying to speak with wisdom and kindness, that “doing our husband good” may unintentionally fall to the back of the line. We need regular reminders to make this task one of our highest priorities.
So let’s take a closer look at this verse, beginning with the first part, one word at a time.
“SHE does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Prov. 31:12
Who is to bring my husband good? None other than me. I have been created, fashioned, designed to bring my husband—with all his strengths, flaws, talents and weaknesses—good.
“It is not good” said the Lord in Genesis 2:18 “that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him” (emphasis mine).
A helper “is one who supplies strength in the area that is lacking in the helped,” she is “fit for him” or as the ESV Study Bible puts it: “matching him.”
Each of us, no less than Eve, is made to match our husband.
We were created to supply strength in the precise areas of weakness, to bring happiness that counterbalances his sorrows, to help him carry his appointed burdens in life and ministry, and to complement his gifts in every way. We are, indeed, his perfect match.
Shakespeare echoes the sentiment of our Creator: “He is half part of a blessed man, left to be finished by such a she.”
Even though your husband might get wise counsel or critique from the other men on the pastoral team, receive encouragement from the congregation, have a capable administrative assistant, a supportive family, and godly friends who spur him on--he is still half part of a blessed man. You alone “fit him.” You alone have the unique ability to do him good.
“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband” says Charles Bridges: “she is his crown; his brightest ornament, drawing the eyes of all upon him, as eminently honored and blessed.”
But we don’t always feel like bright ornaments, do we? As pastors’ wives we are married to gifted men, who interact all day with other gifted pastors and spend hours studying God’s Word (in original Greek and Hebrew). We, on the other hand, interact all day with toddlers (or teenagers acting like toddlers!) and spend hours reading Cat in the Hat and Goodnight Moon (in original English).
It can be easy to think we have little to offer them in the way of wisdom, insight, counsel, or encouragement. We may assume they know more about God’s Word than we do or that the other guys on the team are better equipped to counsel them. We might even compare ourselves to other pastors’ wives and conclude we would be a better helper if only we were more like_____________.
This truth: that we alone have a unique ability to do him good should encourage us to fulfill our role in faith. We’ve been created to be a helper fit for him, so doing him good should receive our greatest attention and efforts. Charles Bridges describes the wife who takes this responsibility seriously:
“Her husband’s comfort is her interest and her rest. To live for him is her highest happiness. This course of disinterested regard and devoted affection, when conducted on Christian principles, commends most graciously the ‘holy and honorable estate of matrimony.”…No greater glory could be desired, than that which is given to it, that it should illustrate ‘the great mystery,’—‘Christ and his Church,” the identity of interest between the; her trials his; his cause hers.”Doing our husbands good is of great importance because it mirrors one half of that “identity of interest between Christ and the church.” We are to do our husbands good: not only for their sakes or to get something from them in return, but because we love our Savior. This responsibility is an honor because it is ultimately for Christ. And we can have confidence that God Himself will bless us as we seek to do our husbands good.
Our Savior is the one, after all, who transforms our motives from “I do me good” to “I do him good.” If it weren’t for God’s grace at work in our hearts, the only “good” we would do our husbands wouldn’t be good at all, but rather manipulation dressed up as goodness. He’s the one who gives us the desire and he will help us persevere in doing our husbands good.
“She DOES him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:12)
The Proverbs 31 woman is a woman of action. She isn’t simply a well-wisher of her husband’s happiness; she’s a doer of good to him. She brings him good, it says in the NIV. She delivers and supplies good to him. She does it.
It doesn’t say whether or not she feels like doing her husband good. In fact, feelings don’t enter into the matter. Not that feelings are irrelevant--if we lack desire to do our husband good, this needs to be investigated. Maybe bitterness has corroded our desire, laziness has dampened it, or busyness and selfishness have stifled it. If so, we must repent from sin and ask God to revive in our hearts a desire to do good to our husband.
But we must not wait for some lovey-dovey feeling or just the right time to do him good. Instead, as a step of repentance, we must act for our husband's good. This not only proves our desire for his happiness, but will fuel it as well.
“The…conclusive evidence of our wishing or willing to do good to another” wrote Jonathan Edwards, “is, to do it.” He goes on: “In every case nothing can be plainer, than that the proper and conclusive evidence of the will, is the act…for whatever we truly desire, we do thus seek.”
If we truly desire our husband's good, we’ll make specific efforts toward his happiness. We will not simply love him in word or tongue, “but in deed and truth” (1 John 3:18-19).
Maybe, like me, you are full of good intentions and resolutions but often come up empty on action. That’s when a plan can be helpful. Take a few minutes to think about your husband and ask yourself: “What is one way I can do him good and how can I make it happen?”
“She does HIM good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31:12
The object of this wife’s active do-gooding is her husband.
Obviously the Proverbs 31 woman does good to many people—her children, her servants, the poor and needy, the business community. But it seems clear from verse 12—and many other places in Scripture—that the primary priority of the virtuous woman is to do her husband good. He is to be the number one recipient of her efforts and energy.
As pastor’s wives it is so easy to get busy trying to do a lot of good for a lot of people—our children, the church, even the community. But if we don’t make doing good to our husband our highest priority, or if doing good to others hinders or significantly limits the good we can do our husband, we are not an authentic replica of the Proverbs 31 woman.
This truth helps simplify my priorities as a pastor’s wife. When I put my husband as the first priority (after my relationship with God, of course) it helps me determine what else is important and what is not.
Sad to say, I don’t always do this. Sometimes I am quick to meet my kid’s needs or to agree to serve someone in the church without considering whether or not it would serve my husband. But truth is, doing my husband good is actually one of the best ways to serve my children and my church!
Charles Spurgeon describes the excellent wife: “She asks not how her behavior may please a stranger, or how another’s judgment may approve her conduct; let her beloved be content and she is glad.”
Oh this is a good reminder for us as pastor’s wives! How often are we tempted to ask how another’s judgment may approve our conduct? We need God’s help to consistently make our husband’s good our first priority—no matter what others think.
“She does him GOOD, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31:12
We’ll spend the next few weeks considering ways that we can do our husbands good. In the meantime, why not ask your husband?
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