She Does Him Good: Fight for Faith With Him

by Julie Kauflin

Let’s face it ladies, our lives are in a constant stage of change. Whether it’s being pregnant, having a newborn, or just getting older. We battle the monthly onslaught of hormones, (which change without warning), unsolicited tears and irrational fears. Ours is a life of shifting circumstances and unanticipated trials.

We are also called to be helpmates to our husbands who are serving God’s people. Ministries change, circumstances change, and relationships change. Through it all God wants us to be wives who support, speak the truth and cheer on our husbands in an exciting, never still world.

I have learned over these 34 years that one way I can do my husband good is to be diligent in my fight for faith. I want my trust in God to produce a life that doesn’t panic or shift when I hear about change or bad news. I want him to not fear telling me something for fear that it will rock my faith. I must become a student of who God is, not my ever changing circumstances. I need to be like Sarah, who “considered Him faithful who had promised.”

James 1:2-4

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.”

Over the years God has brought to mind three truths that encourage a steadfast trust in God in the midst of change and trials.

• I remember who God is…

God is all powerful…

Jer. 32:17 Ah, Lord God! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you.

“The whole matter is accomplished with a word and a breath. See the magnificent ease with which God accomplishes all his purposes. If you and I have a great thing to do, what puffing and panting, what straining and tugging there must be…it is not so with the Almighty One. Here is our world spinning round everyday in 24 hours. And yet it does not make so much noise as a spinning top. If I enter a factory I hear a deafening din, but God’s great wheels revolve without noise or friction. All the Divine work is simply, easily and beautifully managed.” C.H Spurgeon

God is all knowing...

Ps. 139:1 O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it all together.

God is faithful, steadfast and good…

Ps. 117:2 For great is his steadfast love toward us, and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. Praise the Lord!

“He will do us good, real good, lasting good, only good, every good. He will make us good, and this is to do us good to the highest degree.” C.H. Spurgeon

God is compassionate…

1 Peter 5:7 …casting all your anxieties on him, because He cares for you.

So when I experience trials and changing circumstances. I must rehearse these truths about God. As I view my circumstances through the lens of His power, knowledge, faithfulness and goodness, I begin to see what it is that God is trying to teach me. How He wants to grow me through this situation. You see, if He is all powerful and good, then whatever situation I find myself, must be God’s hand picked situation for me…so I want to benefit from it rather than resent or want it to just go away.

• I remember His past faithfulness…

One of my aims is to cultivate grateful eyes that remember God’s faithfulness in the past. God continually told the children of Israel to tell and retell their stories of His faithfulness.

Ps. 77:11,12 I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds.

Ps. 89:1 I will sing of the steadfast love of the Lord, forever; with my mouth I will make known your faithfulness to all generations.

I always begin with the gospel. He has taken care of my greatest need. My sins have been forgiven. There is no greater demonstration of His faithfulness and specific care than Calvary.

Whenever we enter into a particularly rough season, I purpose to write down all the ways that He is showing Himself faithful during the trial so, I can look back at another story of His faithfulness.

• I remember His promises of future grace…

Rom. 8:32 He spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all; how shall he not with him freely give us all things?

“How is it imaginable that God should withhold, after this, spiritual blessings or temporal blessings from His people? How shall He not call them effectually, justify them freely, sanctify them thoroughly, and glorify them eternally? How shall He not clothe them, feed them, protect and deliver them? Surely if He would not spare His own Son one stroke, one tear, one groan, one sigh, one circumstance or misery, it can never be imagined that ever He should, after this, deny or withhold from his people, for those sakes all this was suffered, any mercies, any comforts, any privilege, spiritual or temporal, which is good for them.” John Flavel

If God has already done the unimaginable, forgiven our sin…

He has pursued us in the midst of our running and rebellion. He has gazed on all of our sin, past, present and future, and sent His only Son to be crushed on our behalf, so that we might be adopted as sons and daughters, given a daily dose of grace to trust and obey Him and declared us righteous…how will He not continue to care for us?

So the next time we hear the latest “update”, or bad news or change…

Let’s…

• Identify specific areas where we are failing to trust God
• Be vigilant to maintain the spiritual disciplines, (prayer, study, meditation)
• Rehearse truths about God
• Engage others to help you in the process.
• Confess your unbelief to others.

Faith is a refusal to panic, come what may.
Whatever your circumstances at this moment,
bring all you know to be true
of your relationship to God to bear upon it.
Then you will know full well
that He will never allow anything to happen to you that is harmful.
‘All things work together for good to them that love God.’
He loves you with an everlasting love.
I do not suggest that you will be able to understand everything that is happening.
You may not have a full explanation of it;
but you will know for certain that God is not unconcerned.
That is impossible.
The One who has done the greatest thing of all for you,
must be concerned about you in everything,
and though the clouds are thick
and you cannot see His face,
you know He is there.”

_Martin-Lloyd Jones, Spiritual Depression

She Does Him Good: Pray for Him

by Delaine Gamache

Delaine is wife to Rick Gamache, Sr. Pastor of Sovereign Grace Fellowship in Bloomington, Minnesota.

We are all called to be devoted to prayer. Colossians 4:2 (NASB) says, “Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving . . .”

What an amazing thing that the God of the universe made a way for us to come to his throne and ask him for things (which is what prayer is—making our needs and desires known to God).

And our access to the Throne of Grace was provided by Jesus! Hebrews 10:19-22 says, “Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near . . .” Because the gospel is true, we can draw near to God in prayer.

And God issues the invitation himself. Ask, seek, knock (Luke 11:9-13), he says. What an amazing invite! The omnipotent God of the universe, the only one who can truly satisfy the desires of our heart and meet all our needs, tells us to come to come to him by the blood of Jesus and ask, seek, and knock. What a wonderful invitation! Charles Spurgeon wrote this:

We do not bow the knee merely because it is a duty, and a commendable spiritual exercise, but because we believe that, into the ear of the eternal God, we speak our wants, and that His ear is linked with a heart feeling for us, and a hand working on our behalf. To us, true prayer is true power.

I am also called by God to be devoted to my husband, Rick. I’m his helper. Part of my calling in submitting to his leadership is to support him. The best help and most faithful support I can offer is to ask God every day to meet Rick’s needs, to give him strength for the ministry, to guard his mind and heart with gospel thoughts and affections, to keep his joy rooted in Jesus.

My brain tends to think in metaphors. So when I think about my prayer life, I think of what I call “feasting prayers” and “breathing prayers.” Eating and breathing are utterly essential to our lives. We can’t exist without either. And eating and breathing prayers are utterly essential to our spiritual lives.

In order to feast we must prepare for and then eat a meal. The same is true with feasting prayers. We plan a time and place. We feed on the precious promises of God in his word that taste sweeter than honey. And we commune with him as we make our requests known. In order to keep my times of feasting prayer organized, I write prayer requests on 3x5 index cards (kind of like recipes!). I have an individual prayer card for each day of the week. Rick’s name is at the top of every card. And as I feed on the Word of God, I pray God’s promises back to him on behalf of Rick. What an honor to help my husband as he fulfills his multiple roles as pastor, father, and husband by talking with God on his behalf every day.

My prayers for Rick don’t end after the morning feasting. I continue throughout the day with my “breathing prayers.” This is the way I obey Paul’s exhortation to pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17). The ESV Study Bible refers to this as “a mental attitude of prayerfulness, continual personal fellowship with God, and consciousness of being in his presence throughout each day.” I love that! I’m in the presence of God all day long. I can come to him at any moment with my prayers and supplications and he hears me. What a wonderful, intimate, and loving gift we’ve been given here.

And what a wonderful opportunity to go on throughout the day helping and supporting my husband while he’s away serving the church that we both really love. All day long, as the Lord brings Rick to mind, I breathe out prayers on his behalf and inhale precious promises from Jesus and from the word.

And I stand ready to pray any time he needs me. Maybe there’s a difficult counseling situation, maybe he’s battling discouragement, or maybe the sermon isn’t flowing. Just this past week Rick sent me an email letting me know that sermon preparations were not going well (sound familiar?). I immediately exhaled a prayer for Rick and inhaled a promise of God: “Lord, you see that Rick is struggling. Will you please give him what he needs right now to write this sermon?” Then I heard the still small voice of the Holy Spirit reminding me that the word of God will not return empty. Jesus loves his church. He wants to feed his church from his word. He will give Rick what he needs to accomplish this. I can trust him. My reply: “Thank you, Jesus, that I can trust you in this, and that your word won’t return empty but will accomplish all you plan for it.” Then I wrote Rick an email back telling him those same things.

Here’s part of the note he sent back to me: “THIS IS SO ENCOURAGING TO ME RIGHT NOW! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I’m feeling anxious, yet excited. Starting to see what I need to say, but a lot of work ahead of me . . . But this email calmed me down and helped me focus my gaze on Jesus. It is amazing that you pray for me . . . I drew so much strength from this!”

What a simply way to encourage and support and serve my husband as he pastors the flock of God. I accept God’s kind invitation to come to him. My husband gets the help he needs from our powerful God, and I get the blessing of helping and supporting my husband while I fellowship with my God!

She Does Him Good: Preach the Gospel to Him

by Nancy Loftness

Nancy is wife to John Loftness, Sr. Pastor of Solid Rock Church in College Park, Maryland.

Sometimes, after preaching the gospel to others, my husband needs to hear the gospel himself.

Sundays are a joy for both of us. There is the satisfaction of seeing the Spirit at work in his people. The joy of singing of the Savior with the church. And we often drive away marveling at how God can work through a sermon.

Then the afternoon sets in. John is tired and he becomes prone to discouragement. So many things he planned to do are still undone. So many people remain in need of grace in one way or another. On top of this, he’s simply physically and mentally drained.

It’s at this point, I can help him by pointing him back to the very thing he’s preached so well to others. I can speak words of faith and grace to him and remind him of his own need for living in the good of the gospel.

Perhaps he is aware of all that he has not gotten done. This is a common temptation for pastors in view of the wide scope of their work. I have shared with him how serving God is not to be an experience of pressure, but just as Luke 1:74-75 says” that we, being delivered from the hand of our enemies might serve Him without fear, in holiness and righteousness before Him all our days.” On especially pressured days we have resolved together that “the life I now live, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself up for me.” The gospel equips me to face my To Do List with anticipation. We resist the attitude towards life of “much to be done, but nothing to enjoy”, which Charles Bridges says describes one without faith in God. The most important thing we need has already been purchased for us by Jesus. So instead of fretting over our duties, we remind ourselves that in light of Jesus’ mighty work of dying and rising in our place, our calling is to ”enjoy God in all of our duties,” to quote Puritan Thomas Watson. We must approach our tasks and responsibilities not as drudgery, but instead “eager for good works” (Titus 2:14) because “our great God and Savior Jesus Christ gave Himself to redeem us”. Only knowledge of His sacrifice on our behalf can produce that transformation.

There are times John is vulnerable to being disheartened over letting people down. Recently, he was discouraged about a long-time relationship he hadn’t kept up on. He suspected that he’d offended this person. I reminded him that it is love that builds relationships, not fear, that this is what motivated Jesus to come to save us, and he expects the same love to motivate us in relating to others. His cleansing blood enables us to start afresh in relationships. This helped John reorient his perspective.

He needs to hear the gospel when he has sinned and is experiencing conviction. Some times he needs help seeing his sin. Sometimes he needs help seeing his pardon. It it then that I tell him something I learned from Isaiah 55:7, “Let the wicked man forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts, let him return to the lord, that He may have compassion on him, and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon.” The literal language is that He multiplies pardon. God has an abundance of pardon to extend to us if we seek Him. We both gain fresh faith from how willing God is to forgive.

Even when John is not struggling with sin or the fear of failure, I’m able to help him with some encouraging Scripture or a quote from a book that speaks to the challenge of walking by faith and the trials of the faithful. I might encourage him to read the chapter “Living Like a Justified Sinner” in John Piper’s book When I Don’t Desire God. I’ve written quotes on cards for him to read later, sat next to him on the couch with a page underlined in a book I’m reading, and recently read to him from Martin Luther’s commentary on Galatians.

Sometimes, I simply encourage him to take a good book to a coffee shop and spend an hour being refreshed in the Lord. This has great power to re-orient him to gospel living.

Who has more influence over my husband than I do? If I seize this opportunity, I can remind him of the same gospel he has so often spoken--to me and to so many others.

She Does Him Good: Help Him Rest

An interview with Jill Prater

God has called our husbands to pastor God's people. Their love for God and their love for God's people will sometimes lead them to forego a genuine need for rest. Here, as helpers, we have the opportunity to "do them good" by helping them unplug and presenting opportunities for refreshment.

Jill is married to Mark, who serves as the executive pastor in Covenant Fellowship in Philadelphia and he also works with Sovereign Grace Ministries church planting group. Jill's husband loves God and loves to work for God and is prone to neglect rest. Here Jill shares what she has learned from God in helping her husband.

Remember your Role

Q: Understanding you are your husband's helper, how have you applied this to wisely caring for him in the area of rest? How do you avoid overstepping the role God has given you?

Jill: First off, we’ve been at this for 31 years and I’m still learning how to balance this. But, with that said, I’m most helped when I remember that I’m his helper. I’m not his boss, so I don’t dictate to him what he’s going to do. I’m not his mother, so I’m not responsible to be sure he eats his peas and carrots and gets to bed on time.

I’m his helper, his wife, so I can help him see that he’s not getting the rest he needs. I can study him and recognize patterns, bringing those observations to him in a gracious, helpful, appropriate way. I can help him to put vacations on the calendar well in advance. I can connect with him during the work day through a loving text, email, or a phone conversation, even in his busyness. I used to think that was a bother to him, but he actually appreciates it. Ask your man, though, because he may not. I do can gently remind him when it’s been a while since our last getaway. Getaways can feel awkward to very busy men…but Mark is always thankful for time away.

As I remember my role, I remember that it doesn’t all hinge on me…I’m not responsible for his rest. I don’t even have to be involved in whatever restful activity he engages. It must be God working through me…and God working in him. Then, my role in doing him good is not set by me, but by God…and He will be faithful to work through my faithfulness.

Know Your Man

Q: Is there any specific advice you can give to pastor’s wives to help them help their husbands rest?

Jill: Well, the very short answer is sex.

Q: Excellent help. Um…do you have anything else?

Jill: Yeah. As wives, we need to study our husbands well. Some men need more rest than others. Some are receptive to rest…and were before they became pastors. Others are not as receptive to customary forms of rest…and weren’t before they became pastors. It’s not a one-size-fits-all-cookie-cutter fit. As we study our men, we must rely on the Holy Spirit to reveal insights to us.

Q: Is there anything specific you can give, though?

Jill: Sure…start with asking him! Ask him what would bless him and bring him rest. This can protect you from making him rest the way you rest or the way you think he ought to rest. For Mark, letting him check email allows him to rest sometimes. It’s easy for me to forget we even own a computer. For him, just knowing what’s in his inbox can help. I wouldn’t have come up with that on my own. Sometimes he doesn’t know what would bless him…but sometimes he does. We can also listen to our husbands and pick up clues in their daily conversations with us or others. If I know he has had a particularly busy week I may beg, borrow, or steal a son from one of my friends to cut the grass. Or when I overheard him say he would love kayaking, I immediately started saving my pennies. Just before I pulled the trigger on my big surprise he informed me he would never want to do anything we could not do together. I was purchasing a single man vessel. Mission – incomplete. I am still listening though.

Be Available

Q: Was there a turning point in your marriage when God gave you clarity for helping Mark rest?

Jill: A long while ago…a light bulb went off in my head on how to serve Mark in this area of rest. Sometimes, it still shines bright…sometimes, it’s really dim. When I’m available to him and thinking of him and considering his interests above my own, I find he actually can rest better. I’m more able to serve him and God gives much greater wisdom into how to help him rest. And, you know what, that light bulb helps many other areas of our marriage, too. It really comes down to releasing my own desires, repenting of selfishness and praying for the Holy Spirit to work in greater ways in my life every day. A soul that’s refreshed by the Father who created rest is positioned to refresh the souls of those He came to save.

She Does Him Good: Serve Him

By Kimm Harvey

Before we get into things too far, I want to share a story with you that I recently came across. Julia Dent Grant is one of my new historical friends. She was married to our 18th President, Ulysses S. Grant. What a privilege! When you read about their marriage, you find that she loved her husband and was deeply adored by her husband. She was cherished by her children and she ran a warm and welcoming home. She was also ready on a whim for any chance to travel with her husband.

So far, we’re probably all on board … loved my husband? Check. Adored in return? Check Have a home and children we love? Check. Any chance to travel with our hubby? Double-Check!

But read on.

According to President Grant, his dear Julia had one tragic flaw. According the history books, Julia loved her husband but remained detached and disinterested in his vocation. Whatever men did was messy, complicated and of no concern to her. Her husband’s world made no claim upon her. President Grant once said that he knew his wife well and accepted that she cared for little else (I think ‘ouch’ is the operative word!).

So, what should serving our husbands look like?

Have you ever noticed that Eve was delivered to Adam right where he worked? I’m no theologian, but the fact that he was hard at work naming the animals right before Eve arrived seems to indicate that being a helpmate extends to his work. That means his field becomes her interest. There is a melding of vision and burden – Adam bears it but Eve supports it.

Back to First Lady Julia. Once during a party, she openly confessed that she had no idea what the Constitution said and why the succession of the south was unconstitutional. She couldn’t understand why on earth all of this Constitution business must take up so much time from otherwise perfectly pleasant conversation. This is the SAME Constitution her husband was risking his life for at that very moment. She was checked out from her husband’s life.

Early on in my relationship with Dave, I knew that we could do life one of two ways: we could live parallel lives or we could live together. I am not talking separate check books. I am referring to a subtle encroachment in our lives of distractions, indulgences, personal preferences and comforts, lack of desire or fear, everyday things that tempt us “off message”. These can prevent us from embracing and owning our husband's call, vision and burdens. Regardless what it is in our lives - it results in us not meeting our man in the field. Ultimately, in each woman’s life someone’s agenda and calling becomes the priority – it was either his or mine. And only one of us was called to be a helpmate. That meant his ministry needed to become my interest. His life became my life.

It wasn’t always easy. When Dave was a singles pastor, he said, “If you could please help with serving the single women that would be a tremendous help to me.” Truthfully, I was thinking, “why don’t you just ask me to replace CJ…anything but that!” Why? It was intimidating for me. I had no idea what I was doing. Frankly, I was scared. But, I needed to own my husbands calling and allow that to influence the contours of my service. Serving the singles ladies was what the church needed and what my husband wanted. Wow, was I blessed! Single women are a treasure to every pastor’s wife.

As with every family, pastors and pastors wives need to get to the same place at the same time. If my husband is called to lead a church, great, let’s do it! What do I need to be doing to make sure that responsibilities are maintained with the goal in mind? That’s the question I (and we!) need to constantly be asking in whatever pastoral capacity our husband is called to serve.

Let's make every effort to own our husband's calling. When we own his vision, we will serve him with our hearts and our lives.